Does the Daily Express know what England is?

“Happy St George’s Day!,” roars the Daily Express’s Paul Baldwin today, in a feature celebrating England’s saint (St George’s Day has actually been put back to April 28 this year due to a quirk in the Christian calendar, but there you go).

In an article headlined “Top 9 reasons you should be proud to be English this St George’s Day”, Baldwin lays out why readers should “shove the belligerent bad-mouthing of Britain to one side” – despite St George being England’s patron saint, not Britain’s – and celebrate.

“The vice-like grip the crazies have held Britain in for far too long seems to be finally easing,” goes on Baldwin, making the same elementary geographic mistake twice in two paragraphs. “Even our serving Prime Minister finally accepts women don’t have willys”. Putting that complete non-sequitur to one side, though, how to mark it?

Well, there’s “our national football teams”, says Baldin, admitting “it’s been a while for all four teams”, despite three of those teams – Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland – not celebrating St George’s Day, what with him being England’s patron saint. Or why not spend the day studying “the fascinating, incredible backstory of these Isles”, despite the British Isles being a purely geographical term meaning the four nations of the UK, the Isle of Man and the Republic of Ireland?

Or you could explore England’s “beautiful countryside”, such as Baldwin’s suggestions of “the fearsome beauty of Glencoe in the Highlands” (approximately 180 miles from the English border) or, er, “the rugged handsomeness of Wales’ topography”. Or what about the scientists this green and pleasant land has given the world? Such as Alexander Fleming (Scottish), John Logie Baird (Scottish) or James Watson (American)?

Then there’s the Daily Express readers’ favourite, the Second World War. “Without the unbelievable courage, grit, and resilience of ordinary British men and women the Swastika would now be flying across Europe,” says Baldwin, once again confusing Britain and England.

And finally, there’s the ever-English “British Values”. “We respect all faiths, all belief systems, and are happy to let each other live out life as we wish,” gushes Baldwin in what may come as news to any Muslim reader unfortunate enough to chance upon the Express.

Oh, and St George himself? Turkish. Happy St George’s Day!