Euro 2024 starts tomorrow! 500,000 visitors are expected to visit Germany (100,000 Scottish fans alone) and you have a key advantage in befriending the indigenous: whatever you say in German will sound delightful. We love your accent.
Just remember that Germans haven’t invented small talk, so you may want to read up on the following talking points (or avoid them):
Adidas: Touchy. The famous three-striped brand (named after its founder Adolf “Adi” Dassler) has outfitted the Nationalmannschaft for 70 years. It came as a shock when the German Football Association DFB announced it’ll switch to US competitor Nike in 2027, for allegedly €100m. The DFB is in financial distress (see below, >Sommermärchen).
Auswärtstrikot: Our away kit is a pink-purple fashion statement, and a best seller. As is Toni Kroos’ No 8 shirt.
Bier: To quote the UK Foreign Office, “beer can be stronger than in the UK, so drink responsibly. You may not be let in to the stadium if you drink too much.” Should you make it inside, you will be served Bitburger (“Bitte ein Bit”), founded in 1817. One of 1,500 breweries.
Deutsche Bahn: Prepare for the worst. Don’t hope for the best. At least, after decades of practice, our rail company’s conductors now also apologise in English for the (many) delays.
Dortmund: Loves you since the Times recently wrote that this “powerhouse is finally getting the attention it deserves.”
East Germany: The further east you go, the more helpful people are. If you play dumb, they feel needed and like you all the more for it. Remember: most people in the East do not vote for AfD.
Franz, der Kaiser: Football idol Franz Beckenbauer passed away in January. No need – ever! – to inquire how he persuaded Fifa members to vote for Germany in the bidding for the 2006 World Cup.
Gelsenkirchen: name of town. The club’s name: Schalke. Close to Dortmund. Don’t like each other.
Get a room: should you be successful in mating, er, meeting a local, don’t express surprise about double beds with two single mattresses and two duvets. You do not want to debate bedroom practicalities with your Teutonic conquest. Not now.
Köln: venue for English and Scottish group phase matches, most fun-loving German city. Don’t be fooled by the small glasses the Kölsch is served in (and re-read >Brewery, above). Also: in a Brauhaus, waiters will place freshly filled glasses on your table without you having ordered them. To signal a break, cover your glass with a beer mat.
Neuer: Delicate subject. There’s a sentiment our 38-year-old world champion goalie may be a liability. We will know soon.
Prost-Etiquette: Clink glasses, say “Prost!” and stare at your native drinking companions all the way through, no matter how awkward extended eye contact is for you Brits. Otherwise, the faces will darken, and you’ll hear: “You didn’t look me in ze eye”. At this, everyone falls silent, stares at you in disbelief and sniggers “Sieben Jahre schlechter Sex” (“seven years of bad sex”). To avoid this you have to repeat the whole protocol. We have developed a sense of humour in other areas, here we have none.
Sommermärchen: Our cherished “summer fairytale” in 2006, with you all saying we did a good job organising the World Cup. As Germans still desperately want to be liked as a nation, any positive reference will warm our hearts. As with the Kaiser, no need to mention the criminal court procedures (paused until August) against three former DFB officials for DFB tax evasion.
Turniermannschaft: Means that our Start-Elf (eleven) will develop into the best version of itself during major tournaments. This self-mythology was shattered in the last two World Cups when we were eliminated at the group stage. If you want to endear yourselves to us, just say you believe in it.
Wank: The Scottish team’s Bavarian base overlooks a 1,780m mountain of that name. Thankfully, the Sun (“WE’RE OFF TO WANK”) already published travel advice for “Mount Wank”: “Once you’ve reached the ride’s climax, it would be rude not to enjoy a wiener at Wank-Haus.” Just bear in mind: the joke doesn’t translate. And locals are rather fond of their Wank.
Zombieland: The British tabloids’ nickname for the area around the Hauptbahnhof Frankfurt am Main (caution, we have two Frankfurts) due to the visible and even aggressive scene of dealers and crack addicts there. Local authorities have failed at this for years. They won’t suddenly succeed now. The rest of Frankfurt, however, will be a great host for England vs Denmark next Thursday!
