The question came when I was slumped on our sofa, a half-eaten piece of toast in my hand, eyes fixed on the men’s canoe slalom qualifiers. “If you were an Olympian, what would your sport be,” my boyfriend asked. I thought he was being tongue in cheek, but I was mistaken. I mulled over my options before answering “tennis”, but this was deemed a boring response. This was the Olympics, after all, the sky’s the limit. He, on the other hand, had his eye on the track cycling.
He’s not alone in his ambitions. According to a poll released by YouGov earlier this week, a little over one-in-four (27%) Brits believed that, if they began their training today, they could qualify for the 2028 games. The numbers were, unsurprisingly, higher with the younger generations; 37% of 18-25-year-olds thought they’d make the cut and 34% of 25-49-year-olds saw Los Angeles in their sights.
This new hypothetical squad of Olympians even had their sports lined up, with 10m air rifle shooting, archery and badminton emerging as favoured events. But I’m more intrigued by the 5% who believed they’d excel at dressage and the 3% who saw artistic gymnastics as their calling.
Spoiler alert: one in four Brits are, consequently, on track for disappointment. On Wednesday morning, the Herald journalist and 2012 Olympic medalist Susan Egelstaff pointed out on BBC Radio Scotland that the road to becoming an Olympian is not quite as easy as the professionals may make it look. “Someone please give me the confidence and delusion of the people who answered this survey,” she laughed. “Three per cent believed they could do artistic gymnastics? Who watches Simone Biles and thinks ‘Yeah, I could do that’.”
Except, that’s exactly what’s been claimed across the internet over the last two weeks. Throughout the games, my timeline was full of memes of people constructing makeshift gymnastics mats for their impromptu kitchen routines, or of watchers spouting reels of broadcast-grade commentary from the comfort of their sofas about the synchronised swimming. On the other end of the spectrum, people have been sharing their wipeouts and sporting failures under the caption: “Sad to Announce I Did Not Make the Cut for Paris 2024”.
It all reminded me of something Usain Bolt once said. Following his Olympic successes, he found that whenever he went on a night out, people would always challenge him to a race. One of those challengers was famously the actor Mickey Rourke, who insisted on running barefoot and, according to him, came out on top. At the time, I asked my friend if he’d dare challenge the world’s fastest man if their paths crossed. “Probably,” he’d smiled. When I asked him if he’d still do it after a fair few drinks, his answer changed: “Oh, then definitely.”
The Financial Times columnist Simon Kuper wrote recently that: “Olympic medals are usually a signal that a society is doing important things right, far beyond sport.” With 65 medals, team GB topped its Tokyo tally by one and matched its triumphs of 2012. Delusional or not, it’s no wonder everyone else wants a taste of that success.
