I know I’m preaching to the proverbial choir here but I’m sure you, like me, are wondering just HOW universal the consensus that Brexit was a terrible idea has to become before a leading politician from either of the Big Two parties admits this, or even engages in meaningful discussion about it…
Just last week another shoe dropped with the publication of a poll in the Brexiters’ Bible, previously known as the Daily Express, which declared that two thirds of its own readership now consider Brexit to be a “failure”. In this, they agree with that unflushable turd Nigel Farage. He was memorialised on the cover of TNE #342 for his admission that “Brexit has failed”, but still shows no sign of leaving the country despite being on the record as promising to do so if his pet project went pear-shaped.
Now, the first thing to say is that while it’s easy to dismiss Brexit as a failure, it’s only a failure if you’re adorably naive enough to believe that Brexit was ever MEANT to make things better for the British people. It wasn’t. The purpose of Brexit – the ONLY purpose of Brexit – was to temporarily shore up the electoral prospects of the Conservative Party in general and Boris Johnson in particular.
As such it already achieved all of its objectives, in full, back in December 2019. Everything else that’s happened has been collateral damage.
Nonetheless, it’s interesting to speculate about why readers of the Daily Express consider Brexit to have failed. So let’s name some reasons…
WE HAVEN’T LEFT EUROPE (THE CONTINENT)
Let’s face it, the prospect of leaving the European Union was never going to be sufficient for Express readers… For all that we’ve severed political and trading links with the continent, the continent is STILL THERE, just a narrow strip of water away, full of jumped-up Frogs, Krauts and Dagoes strutting about like they own the place (while every Express reader knows WE own the place because we’re BRITISH and we OWN ALL THE PLACES).
The only MEANINGFUL form of Brexit would mean leaving Europe GEOGRAPHICALLY. TRUE Brexiters will only be happy once the whole of the British Isles has been towed away from the continent, across the Atlantic and moored off the coast of Massachusetts, where we can finally relax safe in the knowledge that there isn’t anyone who doesn’t speak English for at least two thousand miles.
THERE ARE STILL TOO MANY FOREIGNERS
Not too many foreigners IN BRITAIN; just too many foreigners IN GENERAL.
Every time you turn on the television there they are, walking about speaking foreign to each other, eating foreign foods, living in foreign countries and just generally deliberately being not like us, while all we can do is shake our heads and mutter “I don’t know, they stay over there, taking their jobs”…
Come on plucky Britain; we invaded the rest of the planet once before, now we’re free of the yoke of Brussels bureaucracy we can do it again (Express readers, while looking back fondly at the British Empire, nonetheless also consider THAT to be a failure because a) it ended and b) we only subjugated, enslaved and exploited the peoples of the world when we should have either wiped them out altogether or forced them to become 100% British).
PRINCESS DIANA IS STILL DEAD
Prior to becoming The Brexiters’ Bible, you may recall that the Express sustained itself for a couple of decades as the in-house magazine for posthumous stalkers of the late Princess of Wales. On the assumption that the legions of psychotically devoted Dianafans never cancelled their subscriptions, it’s safe to say that they make up a fair proportion of the paper’s current readership.
It’s easy to see how when, upon the UK’s exit from the EU taking effect back in 2020, the spirit of Saint Diana of Chelsea did NOT appear glowing radiantly above England’s green and pleasant, accompanied by choirs of angels singing Please Please Tell Me Now (Is There Something I Should Know), many Express readers would have experienced crushing disappointment and wondered what the point of Brexit was after all.
THE PRIME MINISTER IS ONE OF THEM INDIANS
And so is the home secretary! And so was that other home secretary! This is NOT WHAT DAILY EXPRESS READERS VOTED FOR!
POEM OF THE WEEK
The civil servants are on strike
The railway drivers too
Nurses and headteachers
Their labour all withdrew
Public servants through the land
Air their grievances alike
When will the bloody government
Finally go on strike?
The MPs still turn up to work
(Well, those who ever do)
CEOs come in on time
And demand that you do too
The only ones not suffering
In this time of crisis
Are the ones whose jobs allow them
To award THEMSELVES pay rises…
