It says many things – none of them good – about the current state of our politics that our next former prime minister was found last week to have breached the ministerial code, and also that this fact has made almost no impact on the discourse whatsoever.
You may not even have noticed that our esteemed prime miniature (can’t claim credit for that one; Chris Brookmyre coined it on Twitter, I said I’d steal it and I have) was reprimanded by David Greenberg, the parliamentary commissioner for standards, for having failed to declare his wife’s financial interest in a childminding company that was one of just six such companies to receive substantial government subsidies as part of a “hire more childminders” scheme. I say you may not have noticed the reprimand because as reprimands go, it fell somewhere between a barely perceptible slap on the wrist and an affectionate pinch of the cheek with accompanying shake of the head and mock-admonishing “Oh, YOU…”
Greenberg, the MPs’ “watchdog” (although on this occasion watch-rabbit seems more appropriate), decided to class the PM’s infraction as “inadvertent” with no further action to be taken. This puts one in the uncomfortable position of empathising with Boris Johnson, whom one cannot help but imagine is reading this news in whatever Caribbean mansion he’s “borrowing” this week and spluttering “Oh COME ON…”
So; given that the political/media establishment appears to have transferred the Can Literally Get Away With Anything pass it once conferred upon Boris to Rishi, here are…
SOME MORE THINGS RISHI SUNAK COULD PROBABLY GET AWAY WITH
• Closing down the Parliamentary Standards Authority and promoting David Greenberg to “Chief Secretary in Charge of Getting Paid Handsomely While Not Actually Doing Anything”.
• Renaming the United Kingdom as Happyland and declaring that all our problems are now behind us.
• Introducing new mandatory maximum lengths for suit sleeves and trouser legs (approximately four inches short of the wrist/ankle, for some unfathomable reason).
• Having his own face on all the bank notes so we never forget by whose boundless generosity our money is provided.
• Abolishing income tax for anyone earning more than £100k a year while increasing VAT on baby food and sanitary products to 2000%.
• Re-scheduling PMQs to 4am on a Thursday without telling anyone, then declaring himself the winner when nobody else turns up.
• Toughening up voter ID laws so that henceforth the only valid forms of identification will be Amex Platinum Cards, private jet registration documents or Conservative Party membership certificates.
• Announcing reforms to make the NHS entirely self-funding… from now on the injured and unwell will have to cage-fight each other for hospital beds (broadcast live and pay-per-view on GammonBall News).
• Giving Rupert Murdoch the BBC for Christmas.
• Indefinitely postponing the next general election because “there’s simply no budget for it”.
• Distracting the nation from his utter failure to “stop the small boats” by stopping the BIG boats, ie outlawing all cross-Channel ferries. As the minister in charge, Lee Anderson, would go on to explain: “No proper Englishman wants to go to France, and as for the French, they can f***ing stay there.”
• Having Keir Starmer arrested for “crimes against interestingness”.
• Introducing a new range of benefits to those holding “non-dom” status, including exemption from most British laws, Scottish laws, the laws of decency and common sense and the laws of physics (remember; gravity is for the little people).
Meanwhile, here is…
SOMETHING RISHI SUNAK WOULD NOT GET AWAY WITH
• Forgetting his wife’s birthday.
And…
SOMETHING RISHI SUNAK WOULD NEVER DARE TO TRY TO GET AWAY WITH
• Forgetting his wife’s DAD’s birthday.
POEM OF THE WEEK
Nadine, Nadine
We just can’t tell what you mean
I think we may resort to a translator
You said you were resigning
With immediate effect
But “immediate” meant nearly three months later
Nadine, Nadine
Now please don’t cause a scene
The denial of a peerage sorely miffed you
You snarled, you swore
You headed for the door
But then it took 11 weeks to shift you
Nadine, Nadine
At the risk of sounding mean
Your departure was just one more thing to bungle
No style, no class
Just petulant and crass
Perhaps you ought to go back to the jungle
Nadine, Nadine
If I might intervene
From one Scouse entertainer to another
Avoid the hordes
Forget the House of Lords
There’s still Strictly AND Celebrity Big Brother
