Sunak’s new campaign plan revealed

I have just been leaked a note by the new head of the Conservative campaign (the one standing in for the one on leave of absence courtesy of William Hill). Here it is in full:

MEMO ALL CANDIDATES: THE REALITY

1) We cannot campaign on our record because nothing has improved since we took office.

2) The biggest change we made in the last parliament was Brexit and we can’t campaign on that because the people who hated it hate it more and the people who liked it know we have ballsed it up.

3) We can’t campaign on our leaders because we have had five in eight years which suggests none of them were very good.

4) We can’t campaign on Labour being a risk to security and the economy because nobody can do worse than we have and anyway people seem to think Keir Starmer is pretty decent and he is for sure not Corbyn.

5) So all we have left is this… behave like we have lost, it’s all over bar the shouting, towel thrown in, and hope to God millions of people don’t bother to vote us out because they think somebody else will do it. I know it’s desperate and a bit anti-democratic, but needs must.

We’re shit and we know we are, and so this is it! Fuck everything up. Crash the car. Make ourselves look even more unelectable and useless at campaigns.

Willie Whitelaw used to talk about travelling the country stirring up apathy. That is all we have left. Do it.

Talk up a Labour supermajority. I know it is meaningless, but it is the only way to stop the superdefeat we all know we deserve.

Cheers. BTW, we’re having Sunday drinks at 1pm, BYOB.

PS: New slogan: STAY AT HOME. DON’T VOTE. KEEP THE TORIES.