Sunak is hoist by his own lanyard

The real action at prime minister’s questions today came before the event itself. With rumours – quite possibly stoked by Tories themselves – of a further defection to Labour, the latter’s MPs had much fun chanting “oooooooooooh” as each Conservative entered, followed by “aaaaaaaah” as they turned right onto the government benches. They even did it for the chief whip (“I’m not sure the chief whip is,” said speaker Lindsay Hoyle).

If it all felt like one of those end-of-season football matches where, devoid of any real stakes, fans entertain themselves by flinging a beach ball around the stands, that was apt. This was a bog-standard Sunak-Starmer affair with the latter on safe home territory – the criminal justice system – and the former doing what he does when under the slightest of pressure, which is lying repeatedly.

“On Monday the prime minister treated us to his seventh relaunch in 18 months,” said Starmer. “He vowed to take on the dangers that threaten the country. So it was good to see the minister for common sense immediately take up that mantle by announcing a vital crackdown on the gravest of threats, colourful lanyards.”

Sunak harrumphed at this. “Civil service impartiality is an important principle that we’re right to support, but perhaps he could ask his chief of staff about that,” he said po-facedly. Even the wokebusting minister herself, Esther McVey, managed a smile although, to be fair, she just likes being talked about.

But Starmer’s main attack was on prisons, namely that some prisoners are to be freed up to 70 days early after a scheme aimed at tackling overcrowding in jails was extended. “Will he at least guarantee that none of the criminals he is releasing early are considered high-risk?”.

“No-one will be put on the scheme if they are deemed a threat to public safety,” said the prime minister. But, as will surprise no-one vaguely cognisant of the current prime minister, this isn’t true. As a report on HMP Lewes by the chief inspector of prisons published just yesterday showed, high-risk prisoners are already being released early, including one considered a risk to children with a history of stalking and domestic abuse and subject to a restraining order.

But this didn’t bother Sunak. “No-one serving a life sentence” would be released, he confirmed, which is both an answer to an entirely different question and a bar so low that world limbo champion Shemika Campbell would take one look at it and say, “nah”.

It’s something he also did with Stephen Flynn, the SNP’s Westminster leader, who also referred to Sunak’s security speech on Monday.

“On Monday the prime minister outlined what he considers to be extremist threats to our society,” Flynn intoned in that grave manner of his. “And in doing so, he actively compared North Korea, Iran and Russia with those people in Scotland who believe in independence. So can I ask him to rise, once, to the standards befitting his office and apologise for those puerile and pathetic remarks?”.

The prime minister did not. He did, in fact, respond: “That’s not what I said.”

But, unfortunately for Sunak, there is now something called ‘the internet’ and it is entirely possible to use it to find that, yes, two days ago he did, in fact, say exactly that. How unfortunate he keeps getting caught like this!

But it was Starmer who landed the line of the session. “Doesn’t he think that rather than confiscating lanyards like some jumped-up milk monitor he should stop issuing get-out-of-jail cards free to prisoners considered a risk to children?”

Sunak hit out again. “Well, Mr Speaker, another week with no ideas and absolutely no plan.” Which is another lie, really, Because not letting prisoners considered a risk to children out early is not only an idea, it’s one most people would consider quite good.