What about the giant hole in the roof, Keir?

In early July, after years of staring at it, I moved into the house across the street. It was great to finally get in – and the place soon filled up with expensive gifts from well-wishers! – but I have to admit it’s been a bit of a bumpy ride so far.

Turns out, the previous owners hadn’t been completely honest about the state of the place. Nothing works the way it should. All the bills are higher than they said. And don’t get me started on the water.

But what I already knew about before moving in was the state of the roof. From across the road, I’ve watched the slates falling off since the middle of 2016. Now there’s a black hole in the middle of the thing. All the estimates are that it’s costing me between 4%-6% of my GDP (god damn pounds).

Something had to be done. So the other day, I set up a meeting with a firm that has helped fix the roof in the past. They presented me with a simple course of action. First of all they’d send some of their young workers round for a look, and then in exchange for an annual payment they’d patch things up and work with me to make sure my roof never got in that state again.

“Let me be very clear,” I replied. “There’s no need to get the kids round, or for me to pay you to repair anything. We have to make the giant hole in the roof work. What I am looking for is a pragmatic, sensible approach in which you can help me unlock the benefits of the giant hole in the roof. Let’s put this relationship back on a stable, positive footing and soon – unless it’s not raining, snowing or generally freezing – we can come together and look up through the giant hole in the roof at the stars.”

I have to say this took my new friends by surprise – as I was talking, one even pointed her forefinger to her ear and rotated it to indicate how fast my brain was working! – but under this agenda of strengthened cooperation we have agreed to meet for lunch every year to discuss our plans for maximising the potential of the giant hole in the roof. Another couple of tiles fell off this morning, by the way…

While we wait for this long-term plan for the giant hole in the roof dividend to come to fruition, me and the family will have to tighten our belts. I’ve asked every member to draw up a list of potential savings, and the better-off ones will have to dig deep to put more money in the kitty. I’ve already turned off the heat in gran’s room.

Meanwhile, I need a distraction from all this depressing domestic stuff, so I’ve decided to start taking an interest in politics. I’m told the Budget’s coming up soon. Now that should be something to look forward to!