The photos are out there and by the time you read this, it’s just possible that Sue Gray’s Partygate report – for which the term “long-awaited” now seems barely adequate – will have been released too. The rumours – and vultures – are beginning to circle, with speculation mounting as to which and
how many necks Boris Johnson will offer to the block in order to save his own.
It seems likely that the first to go will be Simon Case, the senior civil servant who had initially been slated to conduct the enquiry into the Downing Street parties but was forced to withdraw when it became known that he’d organised at least one of them.
Meanwhile, many have noted that the 126 fixed penalties seem to have been issued predominantly to lower-paid female staffers, with their male bosses escaping relatively unscathed. It’s further rumoured that any possible tension caused by this imbalance will be addressed by means of a wave of mass sackings of disgruntled employees. As Dennis Skinner once observed, when the posh boys are in trouble, they sack the servants.
Given that the immediate threat to Boris Johnson’s leadership from within the parliamentary Conservative Party seems, for now, to have abated, we’ve
probably got another two years of the prime minister blundering his way
through scandal, intrigue, catastrophe and shenanigans. One wonders if there are enough people left in his inner and outer circles for him to blame everything on.
With this in mind, here are some more people Boris Johnson could fire rather than resign himself…
THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
Would this be the wisest course of action for the prime minister to take? Mr Sunak’s disastrous non-handling of the cost of living crisis and his rather toxified PR have, for now, put paid to his own ill-disguised leadership ambitions, so wouldn’t it make more sense for Boris to keep him around, rather than promote someone else to what is, effectively, the number two slot? And I’m sure Rishi is keen to stay in Number 11… given his limitless
personal resources (and the fact that Boris is always skint) I’m sure they could come to some sort of arrangement? Say, half a million a month to start with…?
HIS HAIRSTYLIST
Because, let’s face it, the whole through-a-hedge-backwards look has gotten pretty old in the last six months or so. Not that I’m suggesting Boris copies Keir Starmer’s quiff-of-iron look, but it’s time he changed it up a bit. Maybe a Statham-esque buzzcut? Might go some way to currying favour with the hard-right nutcases who may soon be his last remaining supporters…
HIS WIFE AND KIDS (AGAIN)
We all remember the outburst of treacly positive PR which accompanied Boris’s nuptials and indeed the subsequent births of his two (official) children.
Even if Boris were not possessed of an eye which is not so much wandering as nomadic, he would still be thinking ruefully back to those glorious times and wondering to himself if the shine has come off of his current marriage rather earlier than expected.
So, lock up your interns…
THE ENTIRE BRITISH NEWS MEDIA
If Dominic Cummings is to be believed, much of the right-wing press in this country has LITERALLY been on the payroll of the Conservative party for the past few years now, so “sacking” them isn’t such a fanciful notion as one might think. Indeed, given that even the Express and Mail are starting to waver in their mindless loyalty to the PM, he might well be inclined to “let them go” seeing as he’s not getting his money’s worth. Perhaps some other organ could be considered worthy of his munificence… With the right funding, GB News could even afford some lightbulbs.
THE VOTERS
With the Conservatives’ numbers death-spiralling – and with, by all accounts, untold economic woes on the horizon – even a man of Boris’s
bulletproof entitlement must be doubting his chances at the next general election, whenever that might be. Something, he must realise, has to change. And since neither he nor his party is capable of change, the thing that will have to change is the electorate…
We’ve already seen three million lower-income voters disenfranchised by voter ID laws, now it’s time to get rid of the rest of the ungrateful plebs. Perhaps the voter ID laws could be extended? A passport or driver’s licence will no longer suffice; now you’ll need your bank statement and/ or property portfolio (less than £100k in assets? Naff off!).
After all, a better class of government deserves a better class of voter.
POEM OF THE WEEK
Brexiters are Exiters
It’s happened once again
Stanley Johnson’s gone to France
To be a citoyen.
They drop us in the lurch
Then to the continent they dash
Just like Nigel Lawson
And Jacob Rees Mogg’s cash.
