Tis the season to be jolly, and for normally honest adults to perpetuate tales of a very fat man, dressed in red, who flies through the skies on a sleigh pulled by reindeer and then squeezes his way down impossibly narrow chimneys to deliver presents.
It seems there are some sceptics now querying the safety of this approach to gift distribution and even the existence of the chimney-scaler himself. For the avoidance of doubt, therefore, the parliamentary draftsmen have been set to work on the “Father Christmas Legal Framework bill”, which will give categorical assurance that the reindeer can continue to do their work every December 24 and that the presents will definitely arrive.
The lawyers responsible for trying to turn the government’s wild ideas into laws would probably not be surprised by a demand like this. A former Conservative solicitor general, Lord Garnier KC, has already accused the government of producing legislation that is so divorced from reality that it might as well claim that dogs are cats. He was referring to the Safety of Rwanda (Asylum and Immigration) bill, which blithely declares that Rwanda is a “safe” country, although, with good reason, the Supreme Court determined otherwise.
The belief that saying something instantly makes it a fact is a very dangerous tendency that can land people either in court or facing sanctions under the Mental Health Act. But it seems to be a common affliction in politicians. That is the charitable explanation for behaviour that looks suspiciously like an attempt to hoodwink the public.
The Rwanda debacle is the most egregious episode in this government’s appalling record of telling whoppers. The extraordinarily expensive plan to export a few illegal immigrants is being sold to voters in a manner that would reduce the Advertising Standards Authority to apoplexy. We are told it will “stop the small boats” bringing in migrants. But while it has been driving this legislation through parliament, the government has been negotiating long-term contracts for the running of depots in Kent where those same migrants are to be processed. Presumably ministers hope the public will not spot the contradictory nature of these positions.
We are told that the Rwanda scheme is worth the escalating millions of pounds because it will have a deterrent effect. The evidence for this is said to be a similar plan enacted by Australia, which sent illegal immigrants to Papua New Guinea. The headline figures do indeed look convincing. But what the advocates of the Australian model fail to mention is that, while a few unfortunates were sent to Papua New Guinea, at the same time there was massive investment in driving back the small boats to the countries from which they had come.
Being economical with the truth is not a trait unique to the current regime. Back in 1967, the then prime minister Harold Wilson appeared on television to reassure the public that the devaluation of the pound was nothing to worry about. In language that has lived on, he said that it “does not mean, of course, that the pound here in Britain, in your pocket or your purse, or in your bank, has been devalued”. This was blatantly untrue, as would become uncomfortably apparent. Wilson’s lie assumed such significance not because of the hit to the currency, but because the scale of the attempted deception was so unusual.
Today, it would barely raise a quizzical eyebrow, let alone a headline. The Covid inquiry has brought allegations from deep within the government machine – Dominic Cummings – that the then health secretary, Matt Hancock, “lied his way through this”. It was already known that when Hancock was lauding the achievement of reaching 100,000 Covid tests a day, it was only because he was counting those that had been desperately shovelled into the postal system, with no guarantee that they would ever be completed. The assurance that “it is in the post” is of course the refuge of the charlatan.
Equally, “I can’t recall” is an unconvincing get-out for an unreliable witness, and one the prime minister, Rishi Sunak, used repeatedly during his appearance before the Covid inquiry. His insistence that he cannot produce relevant WhatsApp messages because he kept changing his phone has cast a shadow over his integrity.
Tony Blair once attempted to defend his integrity by declaring “I am a pretty straight sort of guy”. But his Labour Party accepted a £1m donation from the motor racing boss, Bernie Ecclestone, and promptly decided to exempt sports sponsorship from the ban on tobacco advertising. It was an unfortunate sequence of events.
But it is Brexit that has seen politicians peddling the greatest fairy stories to the public. From the mythical “£350m a week” for the NHS if the UK left the EU, to the illusory trade deals that would bolster exports, they are all a mirage – a fairytale.
Let’s hope Father Christmas can come to our rescue.
