Faithful and attentive readers may recall that in last week’s edition, I seized the rare opportunity to “have a go” at His Majesty’s loyal opposition, following the publication of those flesh-crawlingly cringey (and factually shaky) anti-Rishi Sunak attack ads which someone at Labour Party comms had inexplicably signed off on.
Well, this week normal service can be resumed because it’s not only the Conservatives bringing the cringe this time, but Rishi Sunak himself. At last week’s PMQs, finding himself in his familiar position of on the ropes, the prime minister debuted a new epithet for Keir Starmer, dubbing him “Sir Softie”.
The initial reaction of most observers –including myself – was “urgh, bit weak, but it’s not easy to come up with zingers in the heat of battle, I guess…” But then the PM said it again. And again, with a more triumphant grin each time.
Then the name started turning up in Conservative Party tweets and press statements, and the horrible truth began to dawn: calling Keir Starmer “Sir Softie” was a STRATEGY. Someone at CCHQ had actually sat down and thought up that nickname, and it had been adopted enthusiastically by Number 10, with (one imagines) sub-Henman fist-pumps and cries of “this’ll fix ’em” all round.
It’s definitely one of those instances of the effectiveness of a message being fatally undermined by who steps up to deliver it; calling anyone “Sir Softie” smacks of desperation under any circumstances but it’s especially bizarre seeing it coming from someone whose face, physique, demeanour and entire personality SCREAM “Aaagh, no please stop. Here, take my lunch money, I’m sorry, take my lunch money. Ow, get off, I’m telling Miss, ow, no, ow.”
Besides, what happened to “lefty lawyer”? I thought that had been adopted as the official anti-Starmer slur? Did it not take? Were the focus groups unmoved? Did someone point out that calling the leader of the Labour Party AND one of the country’s most eminent litigators a “lefty lawyer” is not so much a savage burn as merely stating the bleeding obvious?
In any event (Regina George from Mean Girls face): Tories, stop trying to make “Sir Softie” happen. It’s not going to happen.
If you’re REALLY stuck for insulting nicknames for Keir Starmer, try some of these:
Donkey-Fondler
Not Even The Most Important Keir To Be Labour Leader
Captain Interesting
Sir Triangulatesalot
Iron Quiff
Inertia Boy
SUDDENLY Not a Corbynista
Mostly Starmless
The Phantom Vacillator of Holborn & St Pancras
Master Procrastinator
RODNEY YOU PLONKER (it’s his middle name)
Starmer The Embalmer
Sir Plus To Requirements
Keir Keir Disappear Come Again Another Year
The Human Anaesthetic
The Grey Lantern
God Emperor of the Centrist Dads
Former Director of the Clown Persecution Service Shortages
Tedious Maximus
Leader of the Plopposition
Yawnman
Appletiser Socialist
Sir Keir Who?
The Right Honourable Member for the Howling Void Between Realities
The Man Who Wasn’t There
There, is that enough to be getting on with? There are plenty more where that came from. Meanwhile, in the interest of balance, in case the Labour Party is running out of rude names for Rishi Sunak, try these:
Mexican Cola Boy
Little Golden Boots
Miss Akshata’s Sugar Baby
Jimmy Five Loaves
Suddenly not a Johnsonista
Rishi Rich (think this has been done)
Came Second To Liz Truss, No Really He Did
The Chancellor Who Didn’t Know What A Debit Card Was
Fearless Defender of the One Per Cent
The Fresh Prince of Goldman Sachs
POEM OF THE WEEK
Elon is hurling his toys from the pram
The Emperor of Twitter is cross
Because nobody wants their blue ticks any more
It continues to run at a loss
Once it meant you were somebody worthy of note
To see that emoji up there
But now it means nothing, nothing at all
Except you had eight bucks to spare
So angrily Elon extinguished the ticks
Of all those who hadn’t yet paid
Surely once de-ticked they’d swiftly cough up?
But none of them did, I’m afraid
Meanwhile in Texas, his new pride and joy
Stood idling on its launch pad
Space X, the most powerful rocket yet built
So the day couldn’t be all that bad
Ignition was struck, the engines roared out
And upwards the rocket did zoom
Then it underwent “rapid unscheduled
disassembly”
Or in layman’s terms, it went boom
So Twitter imploded, the spaceship exploded
And all on the very same day
I’m sure that there’s something symbolic in this
But just what it is, who can say?
