PMQs Review: Did you know Keir Starmer was a lawyer?

It is with not a little regret that we must announce that a lengthy general election campaign is now underway. And this week’s prime minister’s questions served as a microcosm of what we can expect over the next – 10? 11? – months.

Labour will focus on the failures of the Conservatives’ 14 years in office, their economic mismanagement, Rishi Sunak’s inability to hit any of his own much-vaunted targets and the fact his MPs are now thoroughly intent to tear themselves to shreds in the bloodiest way possible.

And Rishi Sunak will say that Keir Starmer is a lawyer.

There is no actual evidence the public cares, it didn’t work for Boris Johnson and Sunak’s pre-parliamentary career wasn’t exactly mending the wings of injured butterflies, but, in the absence of anything else, the prime minister has clearly identified Starmer’s legal background as his electoral silver bullet. Hence gimmicks like that seen today.

“I know, Mr Speaker, that he’s always been more interested in what lefty lawyers have to say,” said Sunak apropos of largely nothing in response to a question about his harebrained Rwanda scheme. “I’ve even got here the textbook that he authored for them, and it’s called here – and I quote – European Human Rights Law by Keir Starmer!”.

Leaving aside that he quite visibly didn’t have the textbook, but a print-out of its cover (unnecessarily and expensively in colour), the Tories thought they had Starmer bang to rights. “Aaaaaaaah!,” went their backbenches. Education secretary Gillian Keegan, to Sunak’s left, feigned horror. He’d written a book! About human rights law! Sunak did not bother to explain exactly what the book contained, or what made it so objectionable, so obvious was it to him that it was wrong.

“Prime minister!” objected speaker Lindsay Hoyle. “When I stand up, please sit down. Can I just say we don’t use props in this House. And I will certainly ensure that if you do need reminding, I certainly will.”

And being rebuked by the Speaker in garbled syntax for waving around a particularly shit prop wasn’t even Sunak’s low point of today’s PMQs as he repeatedly failed to answer a basic question from Starmer as to where 4,250 people earmarked for removal to Rwanda and who are now missing were.

“In spite of him blocking every single attempt that we have taken, we have managed now, because of our actions, to reduce the number of people coming here by over a third last year, remove over 20,000 people from this country back to their home country, carried out 70% more illegal enforcement raids, arrested hundreds of people, closed down thousands of bank accounts and processed over 100,000 cases, the biggest number in over 20 years,” said Sunak, in what eagle-eyed readers may have spotted is an answer to an entirely different question.

Starmer kept at it. Where were the missing 4,250? Each time the answer didn’t come.

“It’s a bit rich to hear him…,” began more than one of his non-answers, as if “rich” was a word Sunak should proactively wish to associate himself with. “He hasn’t got a clue where they are, has he?,” said Starmer. “I can tell you one place that they aren’t, and that’s Rwanda. Because the only people sent to Rwanda are cabinet ministers.”

Sunak, Starmer pointed out, had his own reservations about the policy initially. “When he sees his party tearing himself apart, hundreds of bald men scrapping over a single broken comb, doesn’t he wish he had the courage to stick to his guns?”. Sunak briefly paused in his response to that one.

Later, Patrick Grady (SNP, Glasgow North) asked: “What exactly is it about the prospect of deportation to Rwanda that makes the government think it will be such a deterrent to asylum seekers? Does it think that life in Rwanda is somehow less comfortable, less secure, less safe than it is here in the United Kingdom?” Sunak responded: “It’s not that there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just that it’s not the United Kingdom.” Which, actually, doesn’t sound like much of a deterrent at all these days.

Finally, not one but two Conservative MPs rose to invite Sunak to visit their constituencies, one, Bob Neill, encouraging a trip to Bromley as the local council’s children’s services had been rated outstanding by Ofsted (probably a bit niche for their tourist office to use).

On both occasions Sunak said he would try to visit “once my diary permits”. His diary is very likely to be very free indeed in, what – 10, 11 months? Until then he’s got a very busy time reminding people Keir Starmer is a lawyer. Fire up the colour printer!