PMQs review: Bad stand-up for the stand-ins

Conservative MP Karl McCartney rose. “The good people of Lincoln, who all declare their taxes and pay tax on their profit when they sell their second homes, overwhelmingly want Lincoln Christmas Market to be brought back,” he told the House and His Excellency. “The Labour city council has refused to do what the people of Lincoln want. What message will the deputy prime minister send to the voters of Lincoln before next week’s local elections?”.

What McCartney had described, said deputy PM Oliver Dowden in full faux fury mood, was “the Grinch in action… that Christmas market, in the home of the [sic] Magna Carta, was beloved by local residents!” Alas, it is not recorded how His Excellency responded.

And yes, it was Dowden replying, Rishi Sunak having belatedly realised prime ministers sometimes engage in foreign policy rather than subcontract it entirely to his predecessor-but-three and flown to Berlin. Which meant it was Angela Rayner subbing in for Keir Starmer across the despatch box.

There was an obvious elephant in the room here, and Rayner cleverly addressed it head-on. “I know the party opposite is desperate to talk about my living arrangements, but the public want to know what this government is going to do about theirs,” before telling the story of Natalie from Brighton, who has been served two no-fault eviction notices in 18 months (the Conservatives first promised to end landlords’ ability to evict tenants without needing a reason in 2019, but now it is a “hope”).

Rayner’s introduction was designed to spike Dowden’s guns over the ongoing spat over whether Labour’s deputy leader filled out a form incorrectly a decade ago. But Dowden, who, despite all available evidence fancies himself as a stand-up comedian, had written his joke and was going to use it.

“It is a pleasure to have another exchange with the right honourable lady in this House, our fifth in 12 months. Any more of these and she’ll be claiming it as her principal residence!”. Rayner did a head-waving LOL.

But what followed, Westminster having packed its popcorn for a Rayner turn, was more of a damp squib. Rayner remained on-message, Dowden straight-batted.

Even with their leaders away, the now-standard PMQs tropes featured – Rayner brought up Liz Truss’ mini-budget, Dowden reminded her she wanted to put Jeremy Corbyn in Downing Street. Both would prefer to be taking on the other’s predecessor. Rayner suggested Dowden was tired, adding: “Maybe it’s the 3am calls from the bad men that have been keeping him up at night.”

Rayner closed with: “I read with interest that the right honourable gentleman has been urging his neighbour in Number 10 to call an election because he’s worried they might get wiped out. Has he finally realised that when he stabbed Boris Johnson in the back to get his mate into Number 10 he was ditching their biggest election winner for a pint-size loser?”. The Tory backbenchers looked quite sad.

The session began, by the way, with a monologue – to call it a question would be to overstate its coherence – from Jonathan Gullis, the Tories’ loud-mouthed deputy chairman. This lasted ONE MINUTE 28 SECONDS. That’s roughly a minute-and-a-half too much of Jonathan Gullis for anyone.

“I suggest he put in for an adjournment debate,” said Hoyle. His Excellency would have been forgiven for wandering off to the gift shop.