“ABOUT BLOODY TIME” OF THE WEEK
On Monday morning, our next ex-prime minister Rishi Sunak unexpectedly grew at least one of the necessary pair to dismiss his increasingly unhinged and uncontrollable home secretary, Suella Braverman. But even this was more funny-peculiar than haha.
Sunak had previously seemed so conflict-averse that there seemed to be more chance of him getting on a bus, buying a suit that fits or filing for divorce than taking a stand against Braverman… there’s maybe a “he turned out to be a braver man” pun in this somewhere, but frankly life’s too short.
“SERIOUSLY?” MOMENT OF THE WEEK
In order to free up that fearless campaigner against nominative determinism, James Cleverly, to take over at the Home Office, none other than erstwhile PM David Cameron is taking over as foreign secretary.
Sure! Why not? It’s not as if David Cameron ever initiated anything that irreparably damaged our relationship with our closest foreign allies or reduced us to an international laughing stock, is it?
LEGITIMATE GRIEVANCE OF THE WEEK
Perhaps the nail that Braverman hammered into her own political coffin the most firmly was the one that destroyed her relationship with the police… In fact, if I had anything to do with the Met I’d be feeling pretty aggrieved right now; the force has bent itself into all sorts of weird shapes these last few years to avoid inconveniencing the government, from declining to investigate possible criminal irregularities in the Leave campaign due to “political sensitivities” to turning a furious blind eye to No 10 becoming Party Central during lockdown.
How were they rewarded for all this? Last week, they found the then Tory home secretary writing an op-ed accusing them of bias, wokery and going easy on the lefties (which will have come as quite a surprise to the Met and an even bigger surprise to Extinction Rebellion and Just Stop Oil).
Moreover, upon finding herself unable to persuade the Old Bill to ban the pro-ceasefire HATE MARCHERS from STORMING THE CENOTAPH (on the sensible basis that they weren’t hate marchers and they weren’t going anywhere near the Cenotaph), Suella took the innovative step of using Twitter to whip up a mob of battle-gammons to “defend the honour of our war dead” – ie get coked and lagered up and lay into the coppers who were ACTUALLY protecting the Cenotaph (from them).
The Met must still be wondering what it’ll take to get a fair deal from this government. What do they want, all their political opponents arrested? (DON’T GIVE THEM IDEAS – ED)
BLINK-AND-YOU’LL-MISS-IT CAMEO APPEARANCE OF THE WEEK
Braverman’s Brownshirts were briefly buoyed up by the fleeting presence of everyone’s favourite imaginary agitator, “Tommy Robinson” (the hilarious comic creation of soccer hooligan and convicted fraudster-turned character actor Stephen Yaxley-Lennon); he squeaked some words of encouragement from behind his cohort of significantly taller (ie about 5ft 9in) minders before jumping into a taxi when things started getting a bit real, presumably to coordinate the patriotic effort from his base of operations in (checks notes) Benidorm.
ROCK AND A HARD PLACE AWARD OF THE WEEK
… goes to the Jewish communities of the UK, who must have been overjoyed to discover that the principal “opposition” to the Death to Israel contingent now consists of the type of shaven-headed far-right ultra-nationalists who have always got on FAMOUSLY with Jews…
They were just getting over the Corbyn years, and now this (oh and by the way, for the remaining Corbyn fans now spluttering indignantly at that last sentence; “We weren’t antisemitic! There was a Zionist conspiracy to make it SEEM like we were antisemitic!” is not a great look).
EXTRAORDINARY COINCIDENCE OF THE WEEK
Leaving aside the topic of coked-up nationalists, Michael Gove managed to get on to the front page of the Mail On Sunday; he had apparently been jostled by pro-ceasefire marchers during the protests, and by an astonishing quirk of fate a Mail photographer happened to be there to capture his admirably stoic response.
What a stroke of luck for all concerned; Gove gets some nice PR in the run-up to yet another Tory leadership contest, while the Mail gets to completely ignore The Charge Of The Gammon Brigade and give the impression that all the aggravation came from the pro-Palestinian side. It’s almost as if it had been planned that way…
BRASS NECK OF THE WEEK
The first hint that Suella knew she’d bitten off more than she could chew came when she broke her social media silence on Sunday afternoon to praise the “professionalism” of the police and to condemn the injuries sustained by officers as an “outrage”. Unhelpfully, she omitted to mention that all of these injuries had been inflicted not by the pro-ceasefire “hate marchers” but by the beery denizens of the “counter-protest” that she herself had instigated.
So… what now for Braverman? She obviously has her eyes on the Tory leadership, but it’s not (quite) available yet. Perhaps there’s an opening for ambassador to Rwanda?
POEM OF THE WEEK
Farage is off to the jungle
To play the celebrity game
To be normalised and cuddlified
Oh ITV, for shame
Sweaty Farage eating insects
Who’d watch that? Not me
But Farage being eaten BY insects?
Now that I’d like to see
