What ho, Liz
I don’t think I’ve had a chance to congratulate you on your resounding victory over young Rishi Rich. We both know he had a certain pigmentational disadvantage where the party faithful are concerned but still, good job on slapping him down. Teach him to resign on me. Did you read that bloody letter? “I recognise this may be my last ministerial job”. Got THAT bit right if nothing else. Ah well, I’m sure he’ll be weeping all the way to whichever bank it is his father-in-law owns.
Anyway, IF I have to go (and turns out I DO have to; no, really, I’ve had the lawyers all over it for weeks and no dice) I’d rather be handing over the old symbols and raiments of office to you than any of the other useless specimens with whom I’ve regrettably been forced to surround myself. I’ve always found you to be extremely professional and very good company (sorry, but just for clarification’s sake we didn’t ever… you know, did we? Fairly sure we didn’t but one does rather lose track).
First of all, sorry about the state of the walls. I was all in favour of leaving the paper where it was but I’m afraid C wouldn’t hear of it. Besides, if old Brownlow comes looking for his money back now that I’m no longer in a position to do him any favours, I may have to look into its resale value. I’m sure you’ll find a cheap but adequate replacement, much as the party did.
Secondly, with regards to the inevitable reshuffle… Obviously it’s entirely up to you whom you retain and/or defenestrate but do you think you might see your way clear to keeping Mogg on in some minor capacity? It’s just that I find when left to his own devices he has a regrettable tendency to follow me about, leaving cryptic notes in Latin and phoning me up at all hours to discuss Old Testament moral philosophy. It would be greatly appreciated if you could mire him in something he knows nothing and cares less about, like, I don’t know, the environment or similar.
Now, you may be aware that while I think most people would agree that my reign has been, generally speaking, something of an unalloyed triumph, we are now heading towards a period of economic instability. No, not instability, the other one. Begins with a C. Catastrophe? Cataclysm?
Anyway, the point is that the price of everything is rocketing upwards while everyone’s income is spiralling downwards, and rather than being pleased by the almost perfect symmetry that this creates on those nice graph thingies they show on the news, wouldn’t you know it, the plebs are all having a right old whinge about it.
And while I’m sure someone with your kind nature and ethical clarity MIGHT be tempted to intervene, maybe to tax the energy companies a bit more or try to help out the worst affected, this, and pay attention here Lizzie, this you simply MUST NOT DO.
Remember the first and only rule of Conservative economics: whatever the problem is, the answer is Give More Money To Rich People. That is the ONLY POSSIBLE answer to any economic problem. Give more money to people who already have too much of it. That fixes everything. And you must NEVER ASK HOW. It just does. It’s like magic. That’s how it was explained to me when I first got the job and that’s how I’m explaining it to you now. Give the rich more money. That’s the only way the government can ever intervene in economic matters, indeed that’s the SOLE FUNCTION OF GOVERNMENT, giving lots more money to very very rich people. Never forget that or you’ll hardly even touch the sides on your way out.
I think that pretty much covers everything… Let’s see, the bins go out on Tuesday mornings, Larry likes the stuff in sachets with the gravy, NOT the stuff in jelly that comes in those little tin trays and the downstairs toilet never flushes on the first attempt. You need to yank the handle a few times before it goes.
As for me, I’m finally getting some time off; there’s a new Game of Thrones series just starting that I’ve been looking forward to. It’s set during the reign of the Targaryens, you know, that family who everyone could tell were the natural rulers because of their bright white hair. Ah well.
Meanwhile, Liz, once you’re settled in I’d put my feet up for a bit if I were you. Relax, nothing significant ever happens in your first week in the job.
Toodle-oo (or rather, TTFN?)
Yours ever,
Boris Johnson
