MAN OF THE PEOPLE OF THE WEEK, PART 1
Rishi Sunak, who seemed genuinely taken aback that his spring statement to the house wasn’t hailed in all quarters as the answer to a nation’s prayers. How did we, spiteful wretches that we are, fail to sink to our knees in gratitude at the prospect of the price of petrol plummeting from £1.72 to £1.67 a litre? Why did we fixate instead on pettifogging footnotes such as “1.5 million more people to be driven into absolute poverty”?
If we don’t start showing some proper respect he might decide we’re not worth saving and resign to spend more time with his (wife’s) family (’s money).
MAN OF THE PEOPLE OF THE WEEK, PART 2
Rishi Sunak again, who was perhaps not yet aware of how badly his statement was going down in households around the country when he paused for a quick photo-op on his way home from parliament.
Being just like a normal bloke, he chose to illustrate his petrol-based benevolence by stopping at a Sainsbury’s to fill up his car on camera. Or rather, a car, as it transpired that the vehicle in question was borrowed from a Sainsbury’s employee for the purposes of the photo-op.
This was, of course, purely for convenience’s sake and not to give the entirely misleading impression that Rishi Sunak, a privately educated former hedge fund manager who married into one of India’s richest families and owns a £400 self-heating coffee mug, drives a Kia Rio.
MAN OF THE PEOPLE OF THE WEEK, PART 3
If you thought we were done with Rishi Sunak, think again; having filled up some total stranger’s car while grinning into the middle distance like a 1970s knitwear model, Rishi went to pay for the petrol at the kiosk.
This turned out to be a more complicated task than one might have imagined since, it transpired, Mr Sunak didn’t know how to use his contactless payment card (he held it up to be barcode-scanned rather than tapping it on the card reader).
Given that his wife is worth nearly half a billion pounds, one can’t imagine that Rishi often has to pay for things, but it did come as a bit of a surprise to see that the man in charge of Britain’s economy doesn’t know HOW to pay for things.
MAN OF THE PEOPLE OF THE WEEK, PART 4
Yes of COURSE it’s Rishi again, who followed up a rotten Wednesday with an even worse Thursday morning; popping up on Sky News (presumably having booked himself on a few days previously, expecting to be congratulated on saving the economy) he found himself blindsided by a question about his wife’s business interests; specifically a question about her family’s stake in Indian IT company Infosys, which is continuing to operate in Russia despite the sanctions that have supposedly been imposed in response to the invasion of Ukraine.
But come on; having spent the last two years cheerfully exempting themselves from the lockdown restrictions, why shouldn’t government ministers similarly decide that economic boycotts are just for the little people? Let it never be said that Tories are inconsistent in their hypocrisy.
EMPATHY AWARD OF THE WEEK PART 1
Boris Johnson, who, bizarrely, when Rishi Sunak made mention in his speech of desperate Ukrainian civilians cowering in basements as Russian shells rained down upon them, reacted by chortling quietly to himself and pulling funny faces at no one in particular.
What was going on? Was the word “Russian” evoking happy memories of the party at Evgeny’s place? Had he just thought of an amusing pun on the word “Mariupol”? Had he already been to the members’ bar? Perhaps Boris simply can’t stand anyone else getting all the attention, even when it’s negative attention.
EMPATHY AWARD OF THE WEEK PART 2
Everyone bitching about Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe apparently showing insufficient gratitude at having finally been sprung from six years in an Iranian prison, when she hadn’t done anything to deserve her imprisonment in the first place and had indeed seen her sentence extended by British intransigence and incompetence (here’s looking at you, Boris).
What was she supposed to do? Burst into song like a Disney princess? Let loose floods of thankful tears like she’d just won an Oscar? Whatever can it be about this successful, articulate, iron-willed woman of Middle Eastern descent that seems to so infuriate the gammonati? We can but guess.
ADMIRABLE RESTRAINT OF THE WEEK AWARD
Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, for not saying what she REALLY thought.
POEM OF THE WEEK
The hour has gone forward
But it doesn’t feel like spring
The hour has gone forward
But it doesn’t change a thing
The evenings are now brighter
But all the same it’s true
That the world is still in turmoil
It’s still 2022.
