A few smirks were raised last week when a photo was released of our next former prime minister Rishi Sunak arriving at a Japanese naval base during his official visit. The shot depicts a chipper-looking Sunak striding down a red carpet, flanked by two ranks of saluting Japanese sailors in extremely white uniforms.
Some commentators, notably writer and podcaster Alex Andreou, opined that the picture resembled nothing so much as a show-stopping number from RISHI! The Musical.
I’ve always wanted to write a hit musical, and so upon reading this, my brain immediately went into lyricist mode, and so I present to you now (with explanatory notes where necessary) some of the hit show tunes from the – so far – imaginary West End smash, RISHI!…
BREXIT BRITAIN (after Oklahoma)
Breeeeeeeeeeeexit Britain, where the poo pours straight into the sea
Where the hospitals are always full
But the supermarkets are emptyyyyy…
Breeeeeeeeeeeexit Britain where the food banks are running out of beans
Where we know what’s broke and it’s no joke
But we can’t fix it by any means.
Oh you know we belong to the land
And the land we belong to is doomed
But don’t you seeeeeee
We’ve got our soveriegntyyyyyy
And so although we may have to eat our blue passports…
Brexit Britain! Yippee!
DON’T CRY FOR ME, RICHMOND (YORKSHIRE)
Don’t cry for me, Richmond (Yorkshire)
I’m safe and completely loaded
Thirty-six thousand
Of you all voted
So now I’m laughing
And totally sorted.
Don’t cry for me Richmond (Yorkshire)
The seats they don’t come much safer
And even if you
Decide to dump me
I have nice houses
In several countries.
MY FAVOURITE THINGS
Self-heating coffee cups, Mexican cola
Trading the Jaguar up for a Roller
Making a speech as they’re crowning the King
These are a few of my favourite things.
Laughing at Boris and all of the haterz
Fat bonus cheques and non-domicile status
Patrons and relatives pulling the strings
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the plebs moan, when the polls drop
When Sir Keir drones on
I simply remember my favourite things
And all of my cares are gone…
SUELLA (after Maria from West Side Story)
Suella
Should I fire that girl named Suella?
Now she has overrode
The ministerial code again…
Suella
She’s kind of an arse-ache, Suella
She’s meant to bring me votes
Harping on about the boats, but then…
Suella
The philosophy she embraces
Is unpleasant and really quite racist
Suella
She’s some basket case, is Suella.
Sueeeella
Sueeeella
Suella Suella
Sueeeeeeeeeeeeeeella…
FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD
Food, glorious food
We had it and plenty
We’re totally screwed
Now there’s hardly any.
Guess that’s just what happens when
You choose to stop trading
With all of your neighbours, then
It’s degrading.
Food glorious food
Grocers with no stuff in
Their shelves are all nude
Go home, they got nothing.
We told Europe to naff off
Guess that was quite rude
No food, where is the food
Who’s got the food
Give us some food…
IF I WERE A POOR MAN
If I were a poor man
Bloody bloody bloody
Bloody bloody bloody bloody hell
I would have one solitary house
And have to get the bus as well.
I’d
Learn how debit cards work
Bloody bloody bloody
Bloody bloody bloody bloody hell
Eating mushy peas out of a can
End up flogging burgers from a van
I would rather bury myself than
Ever be a poor poor man.
MY SEAT (after My Shot from Hamilton)
I am not givin’ away my seat
I am not givin’ away my seat
Hey yo, I’m just like my party
I’m rich, aloof and snarky
And I’m not givin’ away my seat.
I went to Winchester and Lincoln College
I got an MBA from Stanford in the USA
And then I walked into a peachy gig at Goldman
Sachs and met a lady with an old man
Who must’ve been about the richest guy in India
So I said “babe I’m Into ya” and by a process of osmosis
Married right into Infosys
Only five-seven but my mind is taller
As the world seems to get smaller I call to
Every leg up, every big advantage
Somehow I have managed, money is my first language,
Spend thirty pounds on every sandwich
The plan was to take my time and play the game
But Boris and Liz both crashed and burned in flames
I am the R-I-S-H-I, I guess that this was meant to be.
And I’m not givin’ away my seat
I am not givin’ away my seat
Hey yo, I’m just like my party
I’m in the glitterati
And I’m not givin’ away my seat.
