Is being our EU negotiator the worst job in Britain?

The Cabinet Office is advertising for a new second permanent secretary to be head of the government’s negotiations with the European Union. The pay and conditions are good – up to £200,000 and a civil service pension on top. But to be paid more than the PM is going to mean you will have to be a man or woman for all seasons.

So, in order to help the very best applicants I have decided to cut through the Civil Service jargon, the Sir Humphrey obscuration, and the naive optimism to create a more realistic picture of the problems ahead:

JOB SPEC, HEAD OF NEGOTIATIONS WITH THE EU

Although the successful candidate will be principal advisor to the prime minister and in charge of delivering the ”EU reset” he has promised, you must be clear that the PM will not listen to you and does not know what the phrase “EU reset” means. We hope £200,000 per annum will help you deal with this.

The above means that your diplomatic skills will be used to their fullest degree in dealing not with Brussels, but with No. 10. Sir Keir seems to think that avoid offending the Brexit-supporting UK press, he can ask to renegotiate a deal with the EU without making any concessions at all, improve trade without re-joining the Single Market and even refuse to introduce goodwill gestures like youth mobility schemes – and still be taken seriously on the continent. Prospective candidates must explain how they will break the news to him, gently, and how as chief negotiator they will seek to avoid any blame for the failure to win any meaningful improvements at all.

This also means that just, like David Davis, you will be turning up for negotiations with the EU empty-handed. Any candidate hoping to persuade the interview board that he can get round this by waiting for “the German car makers to come to his aid” or who thinks “he has the EU over a barrel”, will not progress to the final stage of the interview; a practical test of how well you can make bricks without straw (bring your own apron).

The role also includes being the PM’s ‘sherpa’ at EU, G7 and G20 talks. Usually being a sherpa means you would be leading talks behind the scenes and representing the PM in resetting the relationship with the EU. But let’s be realistic – the role as it is currently laid out will leave you with more than enough time to carry his luggage too.

We also need the successful candidate to oversee and lead policy on Entry and Exit Schemes and other border issues. Priority will be given to candidates who already own a Day-Glo safety vest. You will be spending a lot of time at Dover explaining to irate passengers why they have missed their ferry, again.

The job also includes responsibility for EU-UK trade (a hospital pass, it isn’t working) and for the Windsor Framework (a hospital pass, it is working but we can never admit that).

The PM is above all looking for someone with experience of leading highly complex negotiations to a successful conclusion. We would be willing to hold the job open for you M. Barnier, just let us know.

Knowledge of foreign languages is not in the least bit important – they all speak English you know, you just have to shout louder.

Please send your CV to the Cabinet Office by December 8. Previous applicants need not reapply – especially you, Lord Frost.