Those of us old enough to remember the 1990s will know that there’s not much worth reviving from that era, nostalgia-wise: the TV was dreadful and most of the music around at the time was already a nostalgic throwback to previous and better eras. However, outwith the world of popular entertainment, there were still many memorable things about the 90s, and one in particular is making a roaring comeback just now. I refer, of course, to good old-fashioned Tory sleaze…
It’s only a couple of weeks since the Led By Donkeys campaign pulled off a sting that was, in retrospect, so obviously fishy that even Gavin Williamson smelt a rat and made his excuses. Nonetheless, they succeeded in suckering a handful of MPs, including fleeting disaster-chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng and (inevitably) Matt Hancock, into offering their consultancy services to an imaginary Korean communications company, little realising that their casual demands for £10,000 a day would soon be all over the news.
Nothing strictly illegal about any of this, of course, but somewhat awkward optics in the middle of a cost-of-living crisis. However, a week or so later a similar scam, this time perpetrated by the Times, extracted some altogether more questionable offers of paid assistance from newbie Conservative MP Scott Benton. Benton was recorded in conversation with what he thought was a gambling consortium, pledging not only to lobby ministers on their behalf (against the rules), but also to leak parliamentary reports to them ahead of publication (really REALLY against the rules).
Since this incident appears to have gone beyond side-gig territory into the realms of full-on corruption, Benton has now had the whip removed ahead of an investigation, but it’s apparent that Conservative MPs in particular are on the lookout for alternative employment, perhaps dimly cognisant of the fact that the whole MP thing may not last much longer. With this in mind, here are… some second jobs that would suit prominent Tory MPs.
RISHI SUNAK: GARAGE ATTENDANT
He knows how to fill a car with petrol and he figured out how to use the credit card reader once he’d had it explained to him, at the age of 42.
JEREMY HUNT: NEWSREADER
Assuming GammonBall News haven’t actually hired him as an anchor by the time you read this, Jeremy H would fit right in in a TV newsroom. He’s got the dead-behind-the-eyes rictus grin sorted already, and I’m sure he’d find it very cathartic mispronouncing everyone ELSE’s name to see how they liked it.
SUELLA BRAVERMAN and DOMINIC RAAB: NIGHTCLUB BOUNCERS
Suella already reflexively tells people they’re not getting in, and Dominic could be the muscle (well he’s not going to be the brains of the operation, let’s face it). “Sorry mate, the sea’s closed” – that sort of thing.
ANDREW BRIDGEN: FULL-TIME INTERNET CONSPIRACY THEORIST
He’s halfway there already (Andrew only needs Flat Earth, crystal skulls and Bigfoot and he’s got the set), and there is a lot of money to be made spreading bizarre and transparently false ideas on the net these days. In fact, Bridgen’s recent anti-vax rantings on the floor of the House of Commons may just have been him laying the groundwork for his future YouTube career. Damn, and here we were thinking he was an idiot…
MARK FRANÇOIS: HISTORIAN
A nice relaxing gig, this, as he wouldn’t actually have to do any reading. François’s version of history would just be “my dad told me that Britain is the best country in the world and got everything right”. Any international conflict or disaster NOT involving Britain could simply be written up as “something that never would have happened if the British had been in charge”.
NADINE DORRIES: LOOSE WOMEN PRESENTER
That or maybe life coach or addiction therapist. Just not novelist. ANYTHING but novelist.
‘SIR’ GAVIN WILLIAMSON: FIREPLACE SALESMAN
Yes, I know he used to be a fireplace salesman, and by all accounts, he was a pretty good fireplace salesman… The point is he should go back to being a fireplace salesman as soon as possible and then carry on being a fireplace salesman for the foreseeable future.
JACOB REES-MOGG: CHILD CATCHER
Well, he’s got the hat.
POEM OF THE WEEK
Nobody held the door for him
It swung in his face with a thump
And things just went downhill from there
At the arraignment of Donald Trump
“Unprecedented!” Republicans cry
And while I can see what they meant
The point is Trump himself was
An unprecedented president
