Farage loses an election - again

It is with a heavy heart that we must inform you Nigel Farage has lost another election. To Eastleigh (1994), Salisbury (1997), Bexhill and Battle (2001), South Thanet (2005), Bromley and Chislehurst (2006), Buckingham (2010) and South Thanet (2015) we must add Outdoor TV Studio In Australia Which Looks A Bit Like A Jungle (2023). Farage was not elected ruler of the camp, a role which even Matt Hancock – Matt Hancock! – managed to take on last year.

A clearly crestfallen Farage was beaten by Sam Thompson, a gurning Made in Chelsea irritant who is basically The Fast Show’s Brilliant Kid with an expensive education. Thompson immediately selected boy band member Marvin Humes as his deputy, and the two took to a brook to plot the division of labour in camp.

“Let’s put Nigel on dunny [Australian for toilet],” suggested Humes. “I can’t put Big Nigel on dunny, can I?” responded Thompson. “Course you can,” said Humes. “He has to deal with a lot of shit all the time,” he added of a man who works with Lee Anderson and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

In the event Farage avoided lavatorial duties, instead sharing responsibility for water with jockey Frankie Dettori, but was filled with further indignation when it emerged three members of camp would be spending the night in something called the Misery Motel. Thompson, Humes and former boxer Tony Bellew all immediately volunteered. Farage, whose political return is supposed to be built on getting as much jungle airtime as possible, reacted with the typical grace those who had witnessed his seven previous concession speeches would have recognised.

“If King Sam had said ‘Nigel, I want you to come with me’ I’d have said ‘fine, great, I’ll pack my bags,” he harrumphed. “Maybe they were the best. I don’t know. They were certainly the keenest. So, fine. You know, let’s hope it’s not too miserable for them.” Viewers will pick more camp members to enter the motel this evening. It would really hurt Farage to be left, once again, struggling to retain his deposit.