Farage faces piercing questions in the jungle

Following several days of national discourse on Nigel Farage’s bottom, it is with much regret that we must now turn to his left nipple. And specifically to whether it is pierced or not.

The unlikely turn of conversation came about as the former Ukip leader whipped his top off in the I’m A Celebrity… jungle. “Cor, Nige, look at that bod!” exclaimed TV presenter and millennial Wurzel Josie Gibson. “Jeez. It’s coming on. Two more weeks in here and I reckon you could have a six-pack.”

First Dates’ Fred Sirieix was more concerned, though, with what he thought was a glint from the seven-time election loser’s hairy chest. “Has Nigel got a nipple piercing on his left nipple?” he whispered to boy-band member Marvin Humes. “Surely not,” responded Humes, before yelling diplomatically, “Nigel, have you got a nipple piercing?”.

“What are you talking about?”, said Farage. “Have you thought of getting one?,” enquired Sirieix. “No I fucking haven’t!” responded the 59-year-old, his language of the billiard hall bleeped for ITV viewers’ sensitive ears.

“I am just about the last person, I think, that’s ever gonna get a pierced nipple,” Farage would later harrumph in the diary room. “Fred is now seeing things. The sun has clearly got to him.”

That image aside, Farage, like other camp members, would later get a letter from his family after completing a challenge. “Why are we not shocked at you effortlessly sinking those dirty pints?” his children enquired in a cheeky nod to their father’s well-reported dipsomania.

The day had started, however, with yet another row between Farage and Sirieix over the former’s hatred of all things continental. As the camp tucked into a breakfast of eel risotto – yep – Farage mused on overfishing.

“From an environmental perspective, the way we’re fishing some of the oceans is not very clever. I spoke about this in the Parliament… but the combination of European greed…”

Sirieix cut him off. “You’ve got to stop saying that because it’s the world that’s overfishing.” The pair proceeded to get overheated. “It’s six in the morning,” muttered Tony from Hollyoaks.

“The thing with Nigel Farage is that you never get down to the bottom of things because he never answers the questions,” Sirieix told the diary room. “But do you know why he doesn’t answer the question? Because he’s talking bollocks.”

And he’s not wrong. Because you know when Farage said he “spoke about this in the Parliament”? In the three years he sat on the European Parliament Fisheries Committee, out of 42 meetings held he attended… once. Hardly offering a, ahem, piercing insight.

(PS For those following these things, the first contestant to be voted off the show last night was jockey Frankie Dettori. Given his entirely anonymous contribution to proceedings, it presumably came as a surprise to many viewers he’d been there in the first place).