14.40 12.4.22 from rosiebw@hotmail. com
Hi Boris. Really need that statement about the fines asap. Dave P says Rishi is working on his and we CANNOT let them get theirs out first, boss. Sorry to hassle but we need something now R
15.40 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
Crumbs, OK. How about something like:
I deeply regret whatever it was I did this time but I have important things to do so run along
What do you think? B
15.42 12.4.22 from rosiebw@hotmail. com
Yeah, I’m not sure “whatever I did this time” is going to cut it on this occasion, boss; think we need some sort of specific reference to the parties and an expression of actual contrition. Steve’s seen the early numbers on this and they’re pretty ugly
15.50 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
Bit bloody rich coming from Steve. Received and understood, give me a minute.
B 16.01 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
OK try this:
I realise that many of you made great sacrifices during lockdown and that you expected the same from your leaders. What you perhaps fail to understand is that we ARE your leaders and there’s a reason for that. I’ve paid the £50 (Rosie – better check with Lord Brownlow that we have actually paid it) and I think that draws a line under the matter. It’s time to move on.
Thoughts?
16.03 12.4.22 from rosiebw@hotmail. com
I’m still not getting contrition Boris; if you’re going to try to style it out you need a bit more in terms of why going to the parties was OK or at LEAST why you’re not resigning. R
16.11 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
Sorry, misread “you need a bit more in terms” as “you need a bit more interns” and been laughing for five minutes. Last bloody thing I need right now. Right, if it’s self-justification the buggers want try this:
I deeply regret the hurt and offence which my actions have caused. However, I will not be resigning, since we are, as you MAY have noticed, currently at war with Russia, and as my great hero Winston Churchill would doubtless agree, you can’t go changing prime ministers while there’s a war on.
Let’s see them argue with that. B
16.15 12.4.22 from rosiebw@hotmail. com
Er, boss, it’s not actually us that’s at war with Russia, though is it? Unless there’s something you REALLY NEED TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW.
R 16.19 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
Christ, talk about splitting hairs! All right, how about:
I deeply regret the hurt and offence which my actions have caused. However, we are now in a time of unprecedented international crisis and if I go, the fate of this great nation will rest in the hands of Liz bloody Truss and her collection of silly hats. Your call, you ungrateful plebs.
There, stick that in the bloody Telegraph. B
16.24 12.4.22 from rosiebw@hotmail. com
Boris, we’ve talked about this before; NO GIN BEFORE 5pm. Do I have to come over there?
16.33 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
Bastards. OK here, try this:
I deeply regret the hurt and offence which my actions have caused. However, as the reincarnation of King Arthur, whose coming was foretold in Mallory’s Le Morte D’Arthur in 1485 (and indeed TH White’s The Once and Future King, which is probably more your sort of speed, I think) I regret that I have yet to fulfil my manifest destiny of delivering Albion from darkness in its hour of most desperate need, so until that happens you’re stuck with me.
16.36 12.4.22 from rosiebw@hotmail. com
Oh dear. This server is encrypted, right?
16.42 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
No wait wait wait I’ve got another one:
I deeply regret the hurt and offence which my actions have caused. However, according to my calculations, there are still several lovely women in the country whom I haven’t had sex with yet so I have to keep attending parties in the hope that meaningless carnal congress will continue to provide fleeting relief from the endlessly churning sense of spiritual emptiness at the core of my ultimately worthless being ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
16.51 12.4.22 from rosiebw@hotmail. com
OK, looks like it’s not YOUR resignation statement I’m drafting today
17.03 12.4.22 from bigdogboris@ gmail.com
Here, hang on, you’ll like this. I done a poem:
Hello peasants,
Boris here
Please let me be really clear
There’s no need for all this mayhem
Those who make laws don’t obey ’em.
I don’t do shame, much less disgrace
So off you trot and know your place
Let’s talk no resignation rot
I’m bloody PM and you’re not.
