Keep your spirits high with these alternative Christmas carols, specially penned for the season by MITCH BEN.
IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER
In the bleak midwinter
It was really bleak,
Seriously very bleak
And bleaker by the week.
It couldn’t get much bleaker
But probably will somehow,
In the bleak midwinter
That’s happening now.
AWAY IN A HOSPITAL
Away in a hospital
Just floor for a bed
A kid with pneumonia
Laid down his poor head.
His mum takes a photo
As she worries and frets
And it ends up all over
The whole internet.
Here comes the prime minister
He finds it a bore
To be pestered with questions
About kids on the floor.
He burbles, alas,
They won’t leave it alone,
So he changes the subject
And nicks the guy’s phone.
HARK! THE TABLOID HERALDS
Hark! the tabloid heralds sing,
Printing largely untrue things,
Peace on Earth unless of course
There’s more cash in starting wars,
Joyful all the nation rise,
Gays and ethnics to despise,
With the red-top host proclaim
Boris stays in Number 10.
Hark! the tabloid heralds sing,
Printing largely untrue things.
GOOD KING BORIS
Good King Boris peeked out from
His refrigerator,
Waiting till the press had gone
He might come out later,
Rather would he freeze right now
Than have questions put to him,
It’s beneath him to allow
Plebs to interview him.
SILENT NIGHT
Silent night, ghastly night
Labour’s been, stuffed alright
Round yon Corbyn, Seumas and Len
Worshippers saying “Please run again”
Sleep in socialist dreams
Sleep in socialist dreams.
Silent night, lonely night
On Skwawkbox, they will write
It’s the fault of the BBC News
Blairites, centrists, liberals and Jews
Never Jeremy’s
Everyone’s but Jeremy’s.
O COME ALL YE HATEFUL
O come all hateful
Racist and vindictive
O come ye, O come ye to Washington
Come and behold the
Dimwit orange Emperor!
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
On Fox News
GOD REST YE ANGRY GENTLEMEN
God rest ye angry gentlemen,
Give not in to dismay,
Take your blood pressure meds again
And it will be okay,
Just grit your teeth and clench your cheeks
It’s nearly Christmas Day:
Drink bottles of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Several bottles of comfort and joy.
WHILE BORIS WATCHED
While Boris watched the box by night
Tuned to the BBC
He said “they don’t treat me quite right”
“So scrap the licence fee”
Then spake the Beeb: “But hath not we”
“Full well just helped you win”
“‘Tis so” quoth Boris “but you see”
“You’re useless now I’m in”
DING DONG MERRILY
Ding dong merrily we’ve gone,
The country has gone crazy,
Ding dong bloody everyone,
And it should not amaze me:
Bo-
O-o-o-o-o-o
O-o-o-o-o-o
O-o-o-o-o-o
O-o-o-o-o-o
O-o-o-o-o-oris is
So ignorant and lazy!
I SAW THREE BUSES
I saw three buses driving in
On voting day, on voting day,
I saw three buses driving in
On voting day in the morning.
And what was in these buses three?
On voting day, on voting day,
The Tory, Lib Dem and Labour parties
On voting day in the morning.
And what did these three buses do?
On voting day, on voting day,
The yellow, red one and the blue?
On voting day in the morning.
The blue bus sported massive lies
On voting day, on voting day.
The yellow and red ones shrank in size
On voting day in the morning.
The yellow and red bus disappeared
On voting day on voting day.
The blue one grew and it’s still here
On Christmas Day in the morning.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me,
Twelve trucks a-queuing,
Eleven liars lying,
Ten Irish passports,
Nine nurses quitting,
Eight teachers leaving,
Seven secret children,
Six starving orphans,
Five food banks…
Four falling pounds,
Three burqa bans,
Two total frauds,
And a Farage still not an MP
Most popular
Brexiteers should be ashamed of their attacks on Olly Robbins
Is Johnson, not Cummings, the real Musk whisperer?
The Spanish holiday villa dream is over, thanks to Brexit
If the facts change, Rachel Reeves can change her mind
