Brexfactor: He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very mawky boy

The mystifyingly-nicknamed Brain Of Brexit popped up on a right-wing American website to declare Britain was hungry for the great taste of modified meat. ‘I eat steak whenever I’m in the United States,’ wrote Desperate Dan. ‘Your steaks are bigger, juicier, and more tender than those I can buy in Europe … partly because American cattle are given hormones that are banned in the EU.

‘Now, you might prefer the idea of unadulterated beef, raised only on rich green grass. Plenty of people in Europe say they do … But why should they impose their taste on the rest of us?’

Yes, why indeed, apart from all those pesky concerns over increased risks of cancer, infertility and obesity? Next week: Dan goes large on his Soylent Green burger once he finds out what it’s made from.

Boris Johnson

The Garden Bridge he backed as London mayor may have been scrapped after burning through £37million of public money, but thankfully another huge white elephant is being laid out and grassed over.

That is the Foreign Secretary’s dream of becoming the next Tory leader, now virtually extinct after his support among party members plummeted to just 9%. Or, as Boris will call it, 350,000,000%.

Steve Hilton

Formerly David Cameron’s policy chief, Brexit-backing barefoot bicyclist Hilton now hosts a new Fox News show aimed at what he calls working class ‘victims of (the) elitist agenda’. He told the New York Times: ‘My argument is: Let’s blame the people who are responsible … (the) global elite.’

It’s a group on which Hilton seems ideally placed to report. The NYT revealed he lives ‘in a $12.5million home in one of America’s richest ZIP codes’ and met their interviewer Nellie Bowles in ‘one of the trendiest places in the city … with a menu featuring avocado tartine and lemonade made with tangerine oil and filtered water. Mr Hilton ordered shakshuka, beet hummus and tea with milk.’

Liam Fox

His department for international trade put out a press release quoting Foxy boasting: ‘We are supporting British business to take advantage of the growing global markets … there has never been a better time for our dynamic and innovative businesses to export their goods and services abroad.’

Alas, it landed on the same day as official figures showing that British goods exports fell by 4.9% between May and June, with a 7.9% drop in exports to countries outside the EU.

This was the worst performance for British trade since the referendum, though, as Bachman–Turner Overdrive once told us, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Nick Timothy

Understandably unemployed since masterminding Theresa May’s remarkable general election campaign, the former joint Downing Street chief of staff and Hard Brexit fan has a new gig as a Daily Telegraph writer.

Fittingly since its author helped the Tories lose a 20-point poll while the Maybot’s personal popularity rating plunged by 44 points, his column is titled ‘Ideas To Win’.

David Kurten

The man Arron Banks is backing to be UKIP leader began his campaign in style – by attracting a Corbynesque crowd of nine people to a Bristol hustings, then appearing to link homosexuality with being the victim of childhood sexual abuse.

Kurten told UKIP fringe group Support 4 the Family ‘studies have concluded that the incidence of homosexuality is much higher among people who have been sexually abused as children. This is an issue which is often left unacknowledged because of political correctness’.

The party’s deputy chair Suzanne Evans responded that he was ‘not fit for elected office’ – which, of course, is absolutely no obstacle to becoming leader of UKIP.

John Rees-Evans

One of Kurten’s rivals for the captaincy of the Titanic launched his own appeal to party members by promising to crack down on Scottish television channels.

Rees-Evans, who famously once complained that a gay donkey had tried to rape his horse, told party members ‘chastity, fidelity in relationships and marriage are all as a matter of undisputed fact, preservatives against the spread of STVs and unwanted pregnancies’.

It’s possible the candidate actually meant STIs or STDs – but maybe he just really hated Taggart.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

The MP for North East Somerset, created when the Blue Fairy overlooked Pinocchio and brought Lord Charles to life instead, is definitely not running a campaign for the Tory leadership. We know this because in the last few days he’s said so to the Mail on Sunday, the BBC, the Sunday Times and the Daily Telegraph.

Perhaps soon, there will be a knock at your door. A tall man dressed as a Victorian undertaker, save for a giant blue rosette with his own face at the centre, will be on the step. ‘I definitely don’t want to be premier – a word, incidentally, derived from the Latin primarius ‘ he will tell you. ‘Have you met nanny?’

Nigel Farage

‘Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America,’ tweeted the nicotine-stained man-frog as scumbags ran riot in Charlottesville. How long until we get ‘cannot believe that hate crime rose after I unveiled my Breaking Point poster’ and ‘cannot believe the word I found in the dictionary right between ‘ironworks’ and ‘Iroquoian”?

The Royal Disciple Church

Based near Lahore, this group of Pakistani Christians has spent the last three years praying for Farage to become Prime Minister of the UK. They believe he will soon fly to Pakistan to meet them, ushering in a new dawn.

Their pastor, Francis Bashir told Vice: ‘I know God will guide him to come to us and watch over us; many millions of people will be available when he arrives in Pakistan.’

It’s hardly the first time Farage has been hailed as the Messiah. Each time he appears on Question Time, viewers cry, ‘Jesus Christ, are you back again?’