Fierce Klopposition to Jurgen’s new vote call

Caller to LBC who claimed to have found the ideal solution to the Irish border problem: ‘You microchip the population so you know who is in there.’

How long before Peter is given his own show on LBC?

DAVID DAVIS

Made his first visit to Northern Ireland in 22 months as Brexit secretary but neglected to tell any local politicians he was coming. Davis had to apologise for failing to notify local Sinn Féin MP Mickey Brady about his trip to County Armagh – a possible breach of ministerial code – while former SDLP leader Mark Durkan dismissed the visit as worthless, saying DD had come just for ‘the photo in his album’.

Yet another example of how everything will be well-planned and run smoothly after Brexit!

SIMON BREEDON

The UKIP candidate for Basildon’s Nethermayne ward in next week’s local elections apologised for a ‘schoolboy error’ after claiming in his election leaflet that rearranging a public meeting had cost taxpayers £500,000.

Breedon said that the astronomical figure was the result of a ‘typo’ which inserted an extra zero into the actual cost of £50,000. Meanwhile Basildon Council say the real figure was around £20,000.

NIGEL FARAGE

‘We should have a Bank Holiday on the 23rd of June, Brexit day, and we should celebrate that in all four corners of the United Kingdom,’ said the nicotine-stained man-frog this week. A wonderful idea, and one we hope to see Nigel exploring in Scotland, where Remain won by 24%, and Northern Ireland, where the margin to stay was 12%.

PETER BURKINSHAW

Cambridge is one of the UK’s most bicycle-friendly cities, but not for much longer if UKIP’s candidate in the East Chesterton ward has his way. Burkinshaw has unveiled a bold policy platform which includes turning graveyards into bike parks, ‘controlling illegal cycling’ and prioritising ‘other road users who actually pay to use the roads’.

The 83-year-old’s platform also includes converting ‘green verges to parking spaces’, removing speed bumps and increasing city centre speed limits to 30mph – all measures sure to appeal to the 29% of the city’s residents who cycle to work or college each day!

PAUL DACRE

‘No one has been more outspoken than the Daily Mail in condemning the viciousness of social media, and in particular the threats and abuse directed at politicians of all parties,’ said a spokesman for the paper back in December, after it was revealed that Anna Soubry had received Twitter and Facebook messages calling for her to be hanged as a traitor.

Alas, Mail editor Dacre does not appear to have got the memo about a kinder, gentler type of political debate. Tuesday’s Mail leader claimed, ‘Tory Remainers such as Anna Soubry, who proposed this amendment, must think carefully where their true loyalties lie. They vehemently object to being branded traitors. But if their anti-democratic manoeuvrings usher in a Marxist Labour government, that is exactly what their party – and most of their country – will think of them. And rightly so.’

We can only be thankful that Dacre, who famously refuses to have a computer in his office, is not on social media and so remains merely a print troll.

MIKE WHITEHEAD

Once hailed as a prized defector from the Tories to UKIP (until it was revealed he’d actually been ejected by the Conservatives a week earlier), the former parliamentary candidate for West Hull and Hessle is running for the ‘Kippers in the city’s Derringham ward in next week’s local elections.

Alas, Mike can’t escape his political past – either at home or on the hustings. His opponents on May 3 include Lucy Whitehead and Eleonor Whitehead – both of whom happen to be Tories and both of whom happen to be his daughters.

JO MARNEY

Still waiting for her invite to next month’s royal wedding, the thoughts of Henry Bolton’s girlfriend have turned to the Windrush scandal. ‘I can’t help but think this whole episode has been encouraged simply to turn public opinion against REAL immigration issues and Brexit,’ she mused on Twitter. But if you thought that was absolutely the most stupid take on Windrush of the week, read on…

JACOB REES-MOGG

Who’s to blame for the Windrush mess, then? Amber Rudd? Home Office civil servants? Theresa May?

None of the above, according to Victorian undertaker dressalike Rees-Mogg, who told the Telegraph it was all the fault of… people like you, The New European reader.

The increasingly crackers Jacob said: ‘We are not the sort of country that demands to see your papers, but I’m afraid pro-Europeans think we should 
be. They buy into the EU-style relationship between individual and the state.

‘It’s a shift to the state being powerful & the individual being 
weak.’

Yes, it’s us who are guilty! Still, at least we won’t face any consequences for our actions – no-one else has resigned!

KLOPP STROPPERS

Brexiteers were outraged when, in a Guardian interview, Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp called for a second referendum. ‘I’m a big Liverpool fan but Jurgen Klopp is an idiot,’ tweeted @CalumG48.

‘Was hoping that Liverpool would win the European Cup, but now I hope Liverpool get thrashed out of sight,’ added @Turfline.

And Daily Express commenter SpitfireMSP sniffed: ‘I rather hope that the Premier League will employ more British managers post Brexit.’

As the old song goes: ‘They’re Brexit crazy, they’re Brexit mad, The Brexit it has taken away, the little bit of sense they had.’