Coming soon to a country near you, it’s the hottest blockbuster of the year! It’s Brexit Avengers: Infinite Culture Wars!
Launching the long-unawaited fifth phase of the MCU (Moribund Conservative Universe), Brexit Avengers: Infinite Culture Wars sees our embattled heroes faced with a difficult choice. All of their policies, ideas and principles had been fully implemented, but were subsequently found to be either hopelessly flawed, poorly conceived or just plain suicidally stupid (see last year’s smash hit Brexit Avengers: Will This Never Endgame). Moreover, their figurehead, the irrepressible TEFLON MAN (the man to whom nothing ever sticks) has tragically fallen in action (although he does keep trying to get up again).
Worse, the tragic demise of Teflon Man was followed immediately by the rise of the crazed BLUE WITCH, who, with her permanently beaming sidekick The Grin, almost destroyed the country – and far more seriously, the Tory Party – in just a few days of reckless indulgence, egged on by her mysterious overlords the Tuftonians.
Now, with the Blue Witch banished to the Quantum Realm (otherwise known as the “back benches”) where she can do no more harm, the Brexit Avengers must regroup under the leadership of CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS, who has to rally his dispirited colleagues while also trying to figure out how to use a debit card. But… with all their policies in tatters and their ideas discredited, how can they regain the people’s trust?
Undaunted, Captain Oblivious reminds his cohort of the Conservative Creed; when all else fails, you’ve always got good old-fashioned bigotry to fall back on…
And so, with the clock ticking down towards Judgment Day (coming at some point between now and January 2025) the Brexit Avengers assemble one last time to declare Infinite Culture War upon whoever the Mail and Express can be persuaded to pick on this week. But which Avengers will be involved?
JACOB REES-MOGG as DOCTOR SNOB
Using the ancient mystical powers of Ol-Dee To-Nyun, Doctor Snob hovers above the country, the better to look down his nose at literally everyone who isn’t at least a baronet. Wielding the Magic Monocle of Mogg, he plans to open a portal in time and space through which he can transport the entire country to safety (although by “safety” he means “the early 19th century”).
DOMINIC RAAB as DURR, GOD OF BLUNDER
Wielding his mighty Hammer of Ignorance, Durr sets off to smite the south-eastern corner of the country to ensure that Britain is detached from Europe once and for all, until the other Brexit Avengers patiently explain to him that it already is. Twice.
SUELLA BRAVERMAN is THE SUBSTANDARD MARINER
Fearlessly braving the crashing waves of the Channel, the Substandard Mariner defends our desperate, failing, bankrupt nation against its greatest foe: small rubber boats containing half-starved refugees. See how she repels these remorseless foreign invaders in order to gain favour with the kind of people who think she’s one herself.
LEE ANDERSON is BY-EK, DEFENDER OF T’NORTH
Recruited by Captain Oblivious to be the champion of the common man, largely because he’s the first common man he’d ever been forced to have a conversation with, By-Ek represents the simple, decent folk of the North (or rather he represents exactly what privately educated southerners think all northerners are like). By-Ek boldly confronts his former colleagues in the evil Labour Party, safe in the knowledge that if this whole Tory thing doesn’t work out, there’s always that Reform lot.
JEREMY HUNT is THE AMAZING BIDER-MAN
He’s biding his time. Just biding his time… waiting for, oh, nothing in particular. He has absolute confidence in Captain Oblivious and wouldn’t DARE suggest otherwise, but SHOULD anything happen to him, Bider-Man will be ready to answer the call…
KEIR STARMER is SANOS
The Brexit Avengers must once again face their arch-nemesis SANOS, Lord of the Sensible, Master of the Carefully Thought-Through and Destroyer of Loonies. Having imposed his will upon his own Labour forces (just) and wrested control from the shape-shifting Corbynoids, Sanos will now seek to extend his tedious clutches and bring dull, yawnsome sanity to Britain…
Can the Brexit Avengers thwart the onslaught of reason and practicality? Can they victimise enough outsiders to win over the nation and preserve good old British delusions of empire, exceptionalism and magical thinking?
That’s Brexit Avengers: Infinite Culture Wars; coming soon whether you like it or not…
POEM OF THE WEEK
Let them eat turnips
Quoth Dr Thérèse
We’re out of tomatoes
So that’s what she says
Turnips on toast
Hot turnip bake
Let them eat turnips
(We’re all out of cake)
Let them eat turnips
The ungrateful proles
Just cos the economy’s
Shot full of holes
And no one blame Brexit
It’s the weather in Spain
Let them eat turnips
Not whine and complain
Let them eat turnips
Or maybe a swede
Just cos they’re broke
With a family to feed
It isn’t our problem
Oh my, how they moan
Let them eat turnips
And leave us alone.
