For the first time in over a month, I can write one of these things with a reasonable degree of confidence that the prime minister will still be the same person when it comes out.
For we find ourselves, do we not, in the age of Rishi Sunak, the man whose ascendence has proved once and for all that the Conservative Party is in NO WAY racist, as long as you’re incredibly wealthy and well connected and nobody actually asks the party members what they think.
Having said that, even if it’s a safeish bet that the prime minister will still be Rishi Sunak by Thursday, WHICH Rishi Sunak we’ll be getting is anyone’s guess, given that his reassuringly One Nation-ish acceptance speech was somewhat undermined later that same day when he reappointed most of the same ERG-flavoured dingbats we thought we were finally rid of. In particular, the return of Suella “The Human Colander” Braverman to the same home secretary gig she’d resigned from in disgrace LESS THAN A WEEK PREVIOUSLY didn’t bode well in terms of governmental sanity.
But, let’s face it, sanity is off the menu until someone in the upper echelons of EITHER of the Big Two parties takes a deep breath and says the unsayable: It’s Brexit.
Brexit has not just economically hobbled the nation in a time of multiple global crises, it’s poisoned our whole political discourse because until somebody admits that it was A Really Terrible Idea, our entire administrative process has been devoted to propping up a manifest and unsustainable whopper. That way madness – inevitably – lies.
But given that an outbreak of reality still seems a long way off, our leaders (and, to their shame, their opposition) will need a steady supply of other things on which to pin the blame for our nation’s myriad woes. So with this in mind, here are… some things to blame the state of the UK on that AREN’T Brexit…
ASTROLOGY
Before we can construct a proper star chart for Britain, we have to establish its exact age… How about we just settle on the Norman Conquest? That means Britain’s birthday is October 14 1066, which makes it a Libra.
Now, according to horoscope.com, the outlook for Libra is: “You may have the perfect plan all laid out, Libra. You’ve communicated to the right people, you’ve travelled to the appropriate spots to gather data, and you have all your resources in line. For some reason, however, every time you start to implement this plan, you run into emotional difficulties that seem too challenging to surmount.”
Hang on, that kind of works. Well, it works as well as just saying: “It’s all Covid”.
Which reminds me:
IT’S ALL COVID
Yes folks, EVERYTHING which is going wrong in Britain now is all about Covid, even the stuff that’s only happening here and not in all those other countries that got Covid just as badly as we did.
Fishing industry collapsed? The fish all got Covid! No good trade deals with anywhere? All the delegates got Covid! Kent’s a lorry park? Did you know trucks could get Covid? Well, can you prove that trucks DON’T get Covid? There you are then.
WE’RE CURSED
Actually, the odds of this aren’t bad when you consider how many ancient tombs, mausoleums and temples we’ve managed to desecrate over the centuries. Just the stuff that’s in the British Museum right now is probably enough to bring down a few decent-sized maledictions and hexes upon us. Perhaps everything this nation is currently suffering is merely the geo-political equivalent of the bit at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark where all the Nazis’ faces melt off.
IT’S ALL THE REMAINERS’ FAULT
Ah yes, now we’re getting down to the heart of the matter. IT’S THE REMAINERS. There’s almost complete consensus among the Conserverati that the people who have been deliberately ignored, sidelined, belittled and specifically excluded from EVERY stage of the decision-making process for the last six and a half years have nonetheless somehow managed to screw that process up completely, by doing… something. Something remainery.
Because when something is being done badly, it’s obviously the fault of the people who aren’t doing it, and not the people who ARE doing it. There can be no doubt that Brexit was the saving of our nation (Michael Gove says so, and if you can’t trust him, who CAN you trust) and would be going swimmingly if CERTAIN people didn’t keep pointing out that it isn’t, the lousy, reality-loving traitors.
POEM OF THE WEEK
Elon Musk bought Twitter
For 40 billion quid
He didn’t want to buy it
But they sued him so he did.
Elon Musk owns Twitter
To promote what he believes
But it won’t be worth a penny
If everyone else leaves.
Elon Musk bought Twitter
To look all cool and tough
Electric cars and rocket ships
Must not have been enough.
Elon Musk bought Twitter
44 billion bucks
Is what he spent to get it
So it’s his fault if it sucks.
