What are the symptoms of Brexgret, and how can you alleviate them without for one instant admitting that you might have made a catastrophic mistake?
Are you a Brexgretter? Is the reality of the consequences of the action you took seven years ago finally beginning to seep through the many layers of denial, bluster and jingoistic claptrap in which you’ve encased your brain?
Are you perhaps an erstwhile Brexit ringleader, drenched in angst and remorse, and worried about what will become of the rest of your career now that even the most obtuse of your readers or constituents can see what you did?
Well, we here at New European towers, far from taking schadenfreude-
flecked delight in your discomfort and shouting “YEAH, SUCK IT UP, HOW DOES IT FEEL?” at you (although if we’re honest that was the first response we came up with) have been slaving away to come up with a range of remedies to soothe your Brexgret-ridden minds, not that you deserve it.
Are you suffering from any of the following?
MEMORY LOSS AND HOW TO INDUCE IT
As the referendum “victory” of 2016 becomes ever more bitter and the cries of “We won, you lost, get over it” sound increasingly hollow and ironic, you may find yourself tormented by recollections of the spiteful, empty pride you experienced back then and how stupid you’ve subsequently felt at having celebrated sabotaging your own country so gleefully.
If this is the case, an effective treatment can be to rhythmically smack yourself in the forehead (you may find it helps to repeat the words “what have I done” as you do this) until the room starts to spin. Once you’re sufficiently concussed you should find your memory has become much more malleable and that it’s easier to edit out the unfortunate bits. Repeat the procedure often enough and you may forget you voted for Brexit at all (because, as we all know, in about 10 years it’ll be impossible to find anyone who ACTUALLY voted Leave).
INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS
You may find that your heretofore blissfully complacent state of mind is being disturbed by intrusive thoughts; thoughts of self-doubt, self-recrimination and confusion.
This is not a bad thing. These may in fact be the first worthwhile thoughts you’ve ever had. Let ’em intrude, you might learn something.
IBS (IRRITABLE BREXIT SYNDROME)
If the unavoidable knowledge that you let a bunch of hucksters, gangsters and race-baiting demagogues hoodwink you into destroying your livelihood and your children’s future is making you feel a bit sick, we recommend a strong sleeping draft and some industrial strength laxatives. It won’t ease your troubled mind very much but at least this time when you crap the bed it won’t just be metaphorically.
TINNITUS
That’s not ringing in the ears. It’s just the sound of you whining. Stop it.
DENIAL
Are you one of the Brexit Big Dogs? Were you among the loudest voices and most ubiquitous faces extolling the entirely spurious reasons for leaving the EU back in 2016?
Did you scoff at the Remainers and their “Project Fear” and encourage others to do likewise? Did you regale the nation with promises of a brighter, happier, more prosperous future based on “facts” and “projections” you’d pulled directly from where the sun don’t shine? Are you, seven years later, unaccountably still being invited onto TV news shows and BBC Question Time despite the fact that every word that’s ever been issued from your smug, slavering gob has turned out to be demonstrably, empirically and disastrously wrong?
This is not healthy, for you or anyone else.
Your incessant revelling in the sound of your own voice will have been causing a great deal of unnecessary strain on your ears and your vocal cords, so we heartily and urgently recommend a period of silent contemplation in order to restore balance in these areas…
Also, the need to constantly justify the unjustifiable and repeatedly deny the evidence of your and everyone else’s eyes and ears will be causing great tension in your neck and shoulders… We find that removing oneself from a stressful environment can work wonders to promote equilibrium and relaxation, and so an immediate change of surroundings is definitely in order.
In short, if you’re still trying to keep the Brexit grift going but finding it increasingly hard to do so, the correct course of action is to SHUT UP and GO AWAY.
POEM OF THE WEEK
What’s going on in Rishi’s head?
Does he realise what he said?
That Northern Ireland should be thrilled
It’s in the Single Market still.
Not only that, we heard him say
It’s still a part of the UK
Does he think that we don’t know
We ALL had that not long ago…?
Seven years since the big red bus
Seven years gaslighting us
Telling us forget, ignore
Everything we knew before.
They’re getting far too smug and proud
They’re saying the quiet parts aloud
They think that we’re too dumb to live
We don’t forget; we won’t forgive.
