All hail Nigel the Third, if we really must

All hail, if we really must, Nigel The Third. For that is the position which Nigel Farage finished in I’m A Celebrity – the same as Matt Hancock last year, an achievement which turned the former health secretary into a much-loved national treasure (subs – check this).

As a series which felt like it had run for 18 months came to its climax, it came down to the former Ukip leader to partake in its final Bushtucker Trial. Farage was, he was told, playing for the final trio’s desserts plus drink, his eyes lighting up at the final word. “Aussie red, Aussie Shiraz,” he said, the words dripping from his unsophisticated palate.

Alas, to get his hands on it, he would have to spend 10 minutes in a pit filled with snakes. “A lot of people would like a snake to strangle me, I suppose,” said Farage in one of his rare glimpses of self-awareness. “Their dream might come true.”

“What would you normally be doing on a Sunday?” asked Ant (or Dec). “Down the boozer,” responded Farage. At this point, one snake showed an interest in the ex-MEP’s shorts. “Trouser snake,” said Dec (or was it Ant?). “He wishes,” responded boxer Tony Bellew.

“I’m not so lucky, I’m afraid,” said Farage. The man whose allies were widely playing up his chances of being the next prime minister in that morning’s newspapers was joshing about his penis size on national television.

In the event Farage survived his 10 minutes and, with Bellew and fellow finalist, gurning Made in Chelsea irritant Sam Thompson, also completing their trials, got to enjoy a full banquet before Farage was off after being voted third.

“I’m not surprised, I’m absolutely thrilled,” he said, 7.54am prosecco in hand, in his post-eviction interview. “Look, not everyone likes the stuff I’ve campaigned on and stood for over the years,” (68%, according to YouGov’s most recent Brexit survey), “but at the end of the day, whatever you think, we’re all entitled to an opinion. I’m a human being like anyone else and I hope this programme has shown that I’m as human as anybody.” And off he went over the bridge to be joined by the latest lucky lady to take his arm.

If you’re really following this, the eventual winner was Thompson, with Bellew coming second – a viewers’ reward, presumably, for showing the patience of Job in the face of Thompson’s unrequited bromance.

And with that, your correspondent signs off. See you back in the jungle in 2024, as Nicola Sturgeon bickers over bean rations with Joey Barton, Vanessa Feltz and Tom from Celebs Goes Dating. God help us all.