I don’t know whether you have a large brood to buy presents for at Christmas but if, like me, you’re waiting for the familial hordes to descend, you’re probably only now beginning to wrestle with the annual dilemma of what gifts to throw at the ungrateful bastards this year (note to my extended family – this is SATIRE).
Unless, of course, you’re one of those efficient types who bought everything in August OR indeed one of those evil geniuses who bought all THIS year’s Christmas presents at a massive discount in the January sales and have had them stashed in a cupboard all year. Just so you know; the rest of us can’t relate to you on any level and frankly you’re freaking us out.
So, by way of providing some much-needed inspiration for the bewildered Santas out there – and to rather haphazardly fulfill my remit of writing this paper’s satirical page – here are my Christmas present ideas for the great and good (who are generally neither) of politics…
RISHI SUNAK
Rarely has the “what do you get the man who has everything” question been so vexed. Seriously, what could he possibly need, other than access to a tailor who understands the difference between imperial and metric measurements?
While he could afford all these things himself, it’s the thought that counts, so I’d be tempted to go with something like a set of golf clubs. Or scuba gear. Maybe a mountain bike, a hang-glider or a potter’s wheel. Anything that might convey the thought that he should start looking for other ways to occupy his time.
JEREMY HUNT
A special calculator for “balancing” public expenditure. It has two minus buttons and no plus.
GRANT SHAPPS
The chancellorship of the exchequer. There’s JUST time before the election and it’ll make his little face light up (he’s been collecting cabinet positions and he only needs this one for the set).
JAMES CLEVERLY
A day ticket to Stockton-on-Tees. And a crash helmet.
PENNY MORDAUNT
Turns out she’s nothing without her massive sword, so a LARP (Live Action Role Play – basically Dungeons & Dragons except you actually dress up) starter kit seems appropriate…
DAVID – EXCUSE ME – LORD CAMERON
Has he got his big ermine robe yet? A little crown? Maybe we could book him one of those photo sessions so he can pose in all his finery; I know at least one old school chum of his he’d be DYING to send the pictures to…
ESTHER McVEY
Can we club together and get Evil Cilla some elocution lessons just so my fellow Scousers and I don’t have to listen to her saying those things in our accent any more?
Which reminds me:
NADINE DORRIES
Given that it’s an absolute certainty that Nadine’s present to everyone this year will be signed copies of her swivel-eyed conspiracy book about how the Old Etonian dilettante and spoiled princeling Boris Johnson was undone by “The Establishment”, the perfect gift for HER this year would be to write your OWN book as a rejoinder, a succinct point-by-point rebuttal of her proposition.
Just write “No he bloody wasn’t” on a piece of paper and pop it in an envelope.
KEIR STARMER
A red jumper. Or a red woolly hat and matching scarf. Maybe some more red ties, red socks, the collected speeches of Aneurin Bevan, just ANYTHING to remind him which bloody party he’s supposed to be leading.
HUMZA YOUSAF
It’s a tricky one, this. What do you buy a Scotsman who’s had the kind of year Humza Yousaf’s had if he doesn’t drink? Does he like shortbread?
LAURENCE FOX
A Batman costume, given his “revelation” that he narrowly missed out on being cast as the Caped Crusader just because some people were calling him “racist” for some unfathomable reason. He can wear it when he inevitably ends up sitting on a crane waving a banner reading “SHE WON’T LET ME SEE THE KIDS”.
BORIS JOHNSON
Don’t give him anything; just send him an email explaining that his Christmas present will be the best he’s ever seen, it’s looking fantastic even though it’s not finished yet, and yes it’s coming along nicely and you should have it ready for about March. Or June. September latest. If he doesn’t get the reference, tell him to ask his publishers.
OR… a vasectomy.
